


A Drug Like You

by EstelUndomiel (capn_cecil_ang)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Drug Use, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-24
Updated: 2013-09-11
Packaged: 2018-02-09 00:31:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 34,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1962117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/capn_cecil_ang/pseuds/EstelUndomiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean and Cas didn't see each other for over 5 years. Cas got on the wrong path and Dean is trying to make amends.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> All characters belong to Eric Kripke and his creative team of writers. I am only humbly borrowing them and sending them on different adventures (most of them not that pretty - sorry). Also, I totally suck at coming up with titles, so credits for the title goes to one and only Todd "Dammit" Kerns for his song A Drug Like You.

        “Dean!” Sam exclaimed for the third time in about a half of minute as he was pacing next to his brother on their way to the car.

“Yeah, what?” Dean asked, finally turning his gaze to his taller brother.

“You ok, dude?” Sam asked worriedly. “You seemed a bit distant for a while.”

“Yeah. I’m good.” Dean said with his fake cocky grin. “Let’s go, Sammy.” he said as he patted his brother on the shoulder.

Sam made his trademark bitch face as he heard his nickname coming out of his brother’s mouth but didn’t say anything. He opened the door of the car and got in, waiting for Dean to do the same. Dean however, before opening the door on driver’s side, looked again to the other side of street where the small group of shabby looking men were standing around the corner waiting for their dealers, doses, potential clients or whatever else. Any other time he wouldn’t even notice such group but now his attention was drawn to the small slender motionless figure lying on the pavement. There wouldn’t be anything so noticeable about that person except he was wearing an old dirty trench coat and it brought memories to Dean’s mind.

*****

        _“Oh hey, easy there, tiger.” Dean said laughing as he caught the big box which almost fell from the other man’s hands as he was trying to unload it from the removal van._

_“You ok, there?” Dean asked smiling, looking at the slightly smaller man with messy hair and incredibly blue eyes. The strangest thing about the guy, Dean thought, was that he was wearing a long old trench coat although there was really hot that day._

_“Yes. Thank you,” the man said and Dean stayed a bit shocked by the sudden gruffness he heard in the other man’s voice. He really didn’t expect this small innocently looking guy would have such husky voice._

_“Ehm, I’m Dean,” Dean said holding out the hand as he put the box on the ground next to his feet._

_The other guy examined his hand carefully and then he held out his, very slowly and unsurely as he was afraid Dean would hurt him if he touch him. “I am Castiel.” he said shaking hands with Dean._

_“Castiel?” Dean asked unsurely. He was more and more intrigued by the guy in front of him._

_He seemed so unusual and so mysterious. “So, did you just move in?” Dean asked._

_“Yes.” Castiel said curtly. “Me and my ... partner,” Castiel’s voice trailed off, “we have just moved in here.”_

_Dean nodded and smiled heartily. “Well then, I welcome you here in this great palace,”_

_Dean said ironically as he showed on the building behind him. “I hope you and your partner will have a great time here. And as a sign of good neighbourhood relationships, let me help you with your stuffs.” Dean said as he patted Castiel on the shoulder grinning wide. But what he certainly didn’t except was Castiel flinching instantly as he touched him, like he was just burned or something. Dean blinked in surprise from sudden Castiel’s movement, but he didn’t say anything about it._

*****

        “Dean?” Sam exclaimed standing next to the door of Impala. “What is happening? You’re totally off again.”

“I’m fine.” Dean snapped him quickly and got in the car putting key into ignition and took off as fast as he could, driving away from the group of men and from the memories that old trench coat gave him.

        “Dean, you know you can tell me if there is something bothering you. I am your brother, after all.” Sam said as they were walking to the entrance of their apartment.

“Everything’s fine, Sammy.” Dean murmured. “I was just thinking. That’s all. People do that sometimes.”

Sam rolled his eyes and entered the flat while Dean was about to check the mail box yet. As he did it, he turned to go back to the apartment when his gaze strayed to the door against theirs and he trailed off in his mind to Castiel second time this evening.

*****

        _“Thank you for helping me out,” Castiel said as two of them were sitting across the kitchen counter after a long day of unloading boxes and settling in.  
Dean sipped from his beer and said: “Sure, no prob, Cas,” he said smiling genuinely on the other man. Castiel didn’t even question the nickname Dean gave him anymore. It was strange, since he met the guy just this morning, but he felt really comfortable in his presence already._

_“So. Why have you moved in here in the first place, Cas?” Dean asked intruding Castiel’s line of thoughts._

_Castiel’s face saddened as he sipped from his glass of water and started talking. “Well, my partner. He ... he bought a new company here so we were forced to move to the city so he wouldn’t have to travel every day so much.”_

_Dean’s brows furrowed. “He?” he asked. “As in ... you are ... gay?”_

_Castiel locked his gaze on his glass. “Yes.” he sighed. After a short silent pause he added quietly. “I will understand if you want to leave now.”_

_Dean opened mouth to say something but closed them immediately as he didn’t know what to say. He took another moment to contemplate what Castiel just said and when he finally came to realise what actually Castiel meant he burst out quickly: “Hell no. Of course not. Cas, it’s ok. I don’t mind. I mean, you’re a cool guy. It doesn’t matter you’re gay.”_

_“You know me a day, Dean. You can’t possibly know all my traits and flaws,” Castiel said still determined not to look at Dean._

_Dean reached to comfort Castiel but he remembered how Castiel flinched last time he touched him so he rather pulled his hand back. “I may not know you that well,” he said instead of it, “but I already know you are a cool guy.”_

_Castiel looked him right in the eyes and as he did he saw Dean was meaning it so he smiled a bit._

_“A bit rigid I would say,” Dean joked then, “but still cool. And don’t you worry, we will do something with that rigidness of yours,” Dean laughed heartily._

_“You seem quite ... cool too, Dean,” Castiel said still smiling, though just little._

_Dean reciprocated his smile and they were staring intensely at each other for a long period of time yet. Still, it wasn’t uncomfortable or awkward stare. They were simply savouring each other company._

_“What do you do for living, Cas?” Dean asked finally when he realised he was staring at Castiel probably longer than the straight man like him should look at the other man, no matter how cool he is._

_“I’m,” Castiel said blushing a bit, “I am a freelance writer.”_

_“Really?” Dean exclaimed wide eyed. “Wow. That’s awesome. Have you published any books?”_

_“Not yet,” Castiel said blushing a bit more and returning to look into his almost empty glass. “I’m working on my first title, actually. I ... I have quite a writer’s block now. I’m struggling with the ending a bit.”_

_“What is it about?” Dean asked genuinely curious._

_“Ehm ... it’s a story about two brothers hunting monsters, basically.” Castiel explained._

_“Sounds interesting. You think I should get a peek, maybe?” Dean asked teasingly._

_“No,” Castiel replied immediately. “I mean,” his voice softened, “maybe later. When it will be done.” He looked over to Dean who just smiled and nodded._

_“And what about you?” Castiel asked then._

_Dean knitted his brows a bit. “What are you doing for living?” Castiel elaborated his question._

_“Oh, right,” Dean chuckled. “I am a sports commentator for basketball games.”_

_Castiel raised his eyebrows. “That sounds ... pleasant.”_

_“It is,” Dean admitted. “I don’t comment any big games but pay is good, I can afford this great apartment where I live with my baby brother and I do what I love – I mean, how many guys can mix their work with pleasure, right?”_

_Castiel smiled a bit. “I guess you are right.” He paused a bit again as he was scrutinizing Dean for a while. “So, are you happy?” he asked then._

_Dean was truly shocked by the question. Actually he was never thinking about his life like this. He was content. He had a good job, only slightly annoying brother as a roommate, he was attractive and hadn’t had lack of relationships though they usually didn’t last longer than one night, but he wasn’t complaining. He was ok with that._

_“Hm, I honestly don’t know.” he admitted at last. “I guess, I guess I am. I mean, I have everything a man could wish for. Well, maybe except a long term partner. So that makes you happier than me, I guess,” he winked on Castiel but on Dean’s surprise he didn’t met with smile or even joy in Castiel’s eyes. Actually, when he thought about it now, Castiel seemed more sad then happy when he was talking about his partner._

_Dean was about to say something when suddenly the door to Castiel’s apartment opened and a short men in black suit walked in. “Hello darling,” he said with clear Scottish accent._

_“And what do we have here? A company?” he said as he looked over Dean._

_“Ehm, hi. I’m Dean. Dean Winchester. I helped Cas to move in. I am your neighbour from across the hall.” he said as he held his hand._

_The other guy took his hand and gripped it tightly as he said: “I am sure, CAS,” he narrowed his eyes as he glanced over Castiel, “appreciated your help,” he said with smug grin as he clenched Dean’s hand in a firm grip._

_“I’m Crowley, by the way.” he said as he finally let go of Dean’s hand._

_“Winchester.” Crowley then said more to himself than to others. “Winchester. Why does it sound so familiar?”_

_“Well, I am a sports commentator ...,” Dean said grinning wide trying to hide his elation someone has recognized him._

_“Nah, that’s not that.” the other man said and Dean’s grin faded away as quickly as it appeared. “I don’t do sports. It’s something else. But never mind.”_

_“Well, I should be going, anyway.” Dean said holding a hand again in attempt to say goodbye to Crowley. “It was nice to meet you ... sort of,” he said as Crowley shook his hand, now without uncomfortable grip. Then Dean turned to Castiel and said smilingly “See you round, Cas.”_

_Castiel just nodded and turned his gaze away quickly. Dean walked out of the Castiel’s apartment straight to his own._

*****

        “Dean?” Sam’s voice brought him back to reality.

“Yeah, I’m coming,” Dean said shaking his head as he looked down to the pile of mails he was holding in his hands didn’t even realizing it.

“Is it Cas?” Sam asked.

“What?” Dean was still half in the past in his mind.

“Were you thinking about Cas?” Sam elaborated.

Dean gave him an unreadable look but Sam knew his brother too well to know what was going on.

“Come on. I’ll get us some beer and you can tell me about it, ok?”

“Ok,” Dean surrendered finally.

In the end, what could be bad about talking about it? No chick flick moments or hallmark scenes with tissues. Just plain talking of two guys over the beer. Because he wasn’t worried about Castiel at all. Of course he wasn’t. He wasn’t worried about Castiel now as he wasn’t worried about him when he left five years ago and all the time he was in Boston. And when he was calling Sam during those past five years, he also wasn’t worried about Castiel. He was just concerned how he is doing. That’s why he was asking Sam about him so much. Of course, he was concerned about him. They used to be very good friends, after all. ‘Yeah! That’s it. I am just concerned ... a bit,” Dean thought to himself.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is like one profanity, some sexually themed sentences and hints of abusive relationship so far - so you've been warned.

          Dean knew he wouldn’t find peace if he wasn’t sure. So one night, when Sam was on his shift in hospital he decided to go for a ride around the town. He jumped into Impala immediately taking off. Maybe it wasn’t that much of ride around the town like a ride to one specific corner of the town. When he reached his destination he saw the familiar looking group of men standing around the corner. Dean’s stomach clenched as he saw the small figure in trench coat leaning against the wall. The others didn’t seem to pay much attention to him. Dean was watching the guy from the distance, car parked around the corner. He didn’t know what to do exactly. He didn’t want to march into the crowd and make a big scene. In the end, he wasn’t even sure, if the guy in the trench coat was Castiel or not. So Dean decided to wait in the car until he would have the better view on the guy or maybe until there will be less audience. But Dean wasn’t that lucky. The guy in the trench coat was leaning around the wall backing Dean and Impala and he seemed barely standing. After a while he fell down on his knees making Dean wanted to jump out of the car straight to him. But Dean became conscious right away as he saw the other guy in probably expensive retro jacket leaning onto pseudo Castiel and handing him something. Pseudo Castiel fished out some money from his pants, still backing Dean, so Dean couldn’t even see what was the guy handing him.

*****

_Dean came to the door as he heard the eager knocking from behind them. He wasn’t expecting any visitors and surely not that impatient ones so he was really curious who was behind the door trying to break them open with his knocking._

_“Hello, Dean,” he saw widely smiling Castiel behind the door as Dean opened them._

_“Hey, Cas,” Dean said pleasantly surprised. “What brings you here?”_

_“I’ve finished it.” Castiel exclaimed happily._

_“Finish what?” Dean didn’t follow his thoughts._

_“The book. I finished it,” Castiel said handing him the pile of papers._

_“Oh,” Dean put two and two together. “That’s great, Cas.”_

_Dean looked over the papers unsurely. “Does that mean, I can read it?” he asked curiously peeping on Castiel._

_Castiel just smiled and nodded._

_“Right now?”_

_“If you wish,” Castiel said, papers still handing to Dean._

_“Hell yeah,” Dean exclaimed as he grabbed the papers and walked in followed by Castiel._

_“You want something to drink?” he asked as he came to the living room putting the papers on the table._

_“A coffee, please,” Castiel said sitting on the couch starring at the papers which were his book intently._

_Not long after Dean came back from the kitchen with the cup of coffee in one hand and one beer in the other. He put down the coffee cup in front of Castiel and walked over the table to sat next to him. He made himself as comfortable as he could, opened his beer and grabbed the papers starting to reading them._

_Few hours later Dean was reading the last pages and Castiel was sipping his second coffee as he was hypnotizing Dean trying to figure out what was he thinking about his book. Dean finally put the papers down and Castiel visibly stiffed._

_“Well?” Castiel asked unsurely. “What do you think?”_

_Dean sighed loudly and looked from the papers over Castiel and back to the papers._

_“Honestly. I don’t know what to say.” Dean admitted._

_“Oh,” Castiel’s stomach immediately tightened and he felt his heart clenched. He starred down at his hands not able to move or say something. Everything he felt was failure and defeat. Suddenly he heard Dean’s voice, who probably looked over him and realised how he sounded._

_“Oh Cas, no! I didn’t mean it like that. I meant.” Dean was trying to comfort the other man. “I meant it’s so awesome I am speechless. Really, I don’t have words to describe it.”_

_Castiel slowly looked over him still not completely convinced. “Really?” he asked quietly._

_Dean tried to stretch out his hand to comfort other man more and as he saw Castiel seemed not to flinch again he softly rested his hand on Castiel’s shoulder. “Really,” he smiled._

_Castiel’s eyes widened in joy as he smiled candidly._

_“Though I must ask something,” Dean added letting his hand slid down Castiel’s shoulder placing it next to him on the couch._

_Castiel shifted a bit as he knew what was Dean probably thinking about and nodded. “Then ask.”_

_“Were the names of character’s Sam and Dean even before or did you change that when you met me and Sammy?”_

_“Well,” Castiel’s cheeks turned red as he was trying to escape Dean’s scrutinizing gaze. “I’ve change them,” he sighed finally._

_Dean just smiled and took a sip from his beer. “I thought so.”_

_Castiel turned even redder. “And .... do you like them?” he asked unsurely._

_“Well, I don’t know,” Dean responded sing-songly. “I mean,” Dean was acting as he was thinking hard, “that Sam guy seems a real pain in the ass.” Dean glimpsed over Castiel who chuckled a bit. “But I really like that Dean guy.” he added._

_“Oh really?” Castiel teased. “I think he is over self-confident. He thinks he is so funny.”_

_“That’s so not true,” Dean said making himself sound like a hurt teenager. “He is not funny! ... He is hilarious!”_

_Both men laughed heartily for a good while._

_“No seriously,” Dean said still chuckling a bit. “It’s amazing, Cas! I bet it will be bestseller! You are amazing writer!”_

_“Thank you,” Castiel smiled sheepishly._

_Dean was about to ask something when Castiel noticed his watches and exclaimed alarmed: “Oh no! I need to go. Crowley will be home about now already.”_

_Castiel stood up promptly and paced to the door._

_“Cas, wait!” Dean shouted behind him. “Your book!” Was everything he could get out of himself._

_He took the papers and handed it over Castiel. As Castiel stretched to grasp them sleeves on his shirt came up a bit and Dean could see fresh bruises around his wrists. Dean grabbed Castiel by one of his wrist gently but firmly so Castiel couldn’t jerk. He looked worriedly to Castiel’s eyes as he asked: “What is this, Cas?”_

_Castiel were refusing to look at Dean. Dean got the papers under his arm to free his other hand and he placed it on Castiel’s cheek forcing him to look at him. “Cas?” he asked voice full of concern._

_“It’s nothing, Dean,” Castiel said trying to force down the sobbing as his eyes were starting to fill with tears. “Really,” he added silently. “Just, let me go. Please.” his voice broke._

_Dean sighed and handed him the papers letting him go. He was watching him though, until he didn’t disappear in his apartment. There was something severely wrong and Dean didn’t know how to help the other guy._

_*****_

         “You know, you allowed to do much more than just watch. You only need to pay,” the sweet voice sounded next to the shotgun’s lowered window. Dean startled at the sudden voice not able to think clear for a while. When he finally came to himself, he looked over the guy leaning over the window and he saw he was wearing really, but really tight black jeans and pinkish vest.

“Oh,” Dean stared wide eyed on the guy. “Oh no. No. What the hell? I don’t want anything from you.”

“You sure? Cause I can give you the night to remember, honey,” the guy said leaning over a bit more.

Dean made a grossed grimace as he said: “I guess I will pass, thanks.”

The guy turned to leave as he saw Dean clearly didn’t want his company when Dean shouted at him. “Hey wait, actually...”

The guy made an obscene smirk as he turned slowly back to the car and leaned over the window. “So what it will be? Jerking off, blow job, or the whole package?”

Dean’s eyes widened again: “What?” he shrieked. “No! Ehm ... I just. I just need an information.” Dean clarified quickly.

The guy rolled his eyes a bit and said with kinky smile: “You sure it’s everything you want?”

“YES,” Dean stated clearly but pull out his wallet anyway. “And it will not be for free.”

The guy in pinkish vest half grinned and licked his lips looking over Dean: “Too shame you don’t feel like hooking up tonight, honey. You surely are premium material. So, what is it you need to know?”

“Ehm,” Dean glanced over the street only to see the trench coated guy disappeared. He huffed in depression but turned back to the tom guy leaning over his car. “Is there any chance the guy named Castiel is working with you on this street?”

Tom guy shook his head immediately. “No, there’s no one like that. No one would have such strange street name, anyways.”

“It not a ... street name,” Dean corrected him instantly. “It’s ... his real name.”

“Oh,” the guy raised eyebrows. “Well then, you are not lucky tonight, honey. I don’t know the guys on the street by their real names.”

“Oh,” Dean knitted his eyebrows as he was thinking hard. Tom was about to leave when Dean stopped him pulling another bill from his wallet.

“Wait,” the tom guy stopped in his tracks turning to Dean once again.

“Look, I really need to work. If you’re not interesting, then I will leave now,” he said.

Dean handed him another dollar bill now with much greater value than before. Tom guy looked at it and leaned back over the window casually. “You were sayin’?”

“Maybe I can describe him for you. He is as tall as you, have dark brown really messy hair like he’s just woken up ...,” “... or had sex?” the guy interrupted with another kinky smile.

Dean blushed a bit and nodded: “Well, yeah, or that. Anyways, he has quite pale skin and really wide shoulders. And,” Dean paused for a bit taking a deep breath, “he has the most astonishing blue eyes you have ever seen.”

Tom guy raised an eyebrow on Dean’s description humming to himself. “Now somebody here is in love.” Then he furrowed his brows as he was thinking over what Dean just said.

“Well,” he said finally, “there’s only one guy on this street who fit the description. His name is Angel. But,” he looked over the street to assure himself. “Yeah. He’s not working tonight. Though he was here before a while.”

Dean’s eyes widened. What was the odds it would really be Castiel? And why was he here? What was he doing on that street? What was he taking from that strange guy?

“What was he wearing?” Dean asked pulling out another bill as his voice was filled with the fear. He was afraid of the answer but in the same time he was desperate to know it.

“Ehm,” tom guy furrowed his brows again. “Well, the old ugly trench coat. He wears it to hide the punctures.”

Dean’s vision went blank for a while. So it was Castiel. His friend Castiel. Castiel who believed him and Dean left him when he needed him most. And now, now he was here, taking God knows what and doing a rent boy so he would have enough money for that. Dean couldn’t help himself but felt like it was partly his fault. If not completely.

“Ehm, thanks,” he said to the guy he realised was still standing there handing him the bills.

The guy left and Dean stayed there all alone left to consume himself in the guilt he felt toward his former friend.

*****

_Dean was standing in front of Castiel’s door prepared to knock. He was so happy. He just got the offer from Boston to comment on the NBA matches which meant much more money, prestigious job and well, actually everything a man could wish for. Even Castiel’s book was selling great and Sam wasn’t that much pain in the ass last days so Dean was really ecstatic right now. He couldn’t wait to share the news with his best friend. As he knocked on the door they opened almost immediately, though what Dean saw changed his mood swiftly. Castiel looked like a wreck, his left eye was swollen with a big nasty yellow-blueish bruise and his bottom lip was slashed._

_Dean’s jaw dropped. “Cas, what the hell?”_

_Castiel averted his eyes and sighed loudly: “I have fallen. It was accident. It’s nothing serious. Don’t be bothered by it Dean.”_

_“Don’t be bothered?” Dean snarled. “Cas,” he approached the slightly smaller man and grabbed him by the shoulders forcing him to look him in the eyes. Castiel flinched a bit as Dean’s grip was firm but he didn’t fight back just succumbed to it._

_“Cas, look at me,” Dean demanded._

_Castiel did it though with great difficulty._

_“Cas. I am your friend. Of course it bothers me when you get hurt. Especially when it was no accident.”_

_“Dean,” Castiel started._

_“No Cas,” Dean interrupted him. “Don’t bullshit me. We both know very well your wounds are not accidental.”_

_“Dean,” Castiel sighed loudly averting his gaze again. “Why have you come?”_

_Dean eased his grip on Castiel and the smaller man managed to set himself free turning back to Dean as he didn’t want to face his intense stare full of worry._

_“I just ... I came to tell you I got a job in Boston.”_

_Castiel fought back his tears and turned to face Dean with fake smile on his face. “That’s great, Dean. Congratulations!”_

_“Thanks!” Dean said quietly._

_“When are you leaving?” Castiel asked._

_“Tomorrow, actually.”_

_“Oh.”_

_“You can go with me,” Dean burst out before he could realise what he said._

_Castiel’s eyes sparked with hope for a split of a moment and then they darkened by sadness again. “I can’t.”_

_“Come on, Cas,” Dean insisted. “Come with me. We will be roommates. You can write from Boston too. There is nothing keeping you here.”_

_“There is,” Castiel said quietly._

_Dean’s heart ached. “Do you really love him? Despite the things he’s done to you?”_

_“He didn’t mean it.” Castiel snarled. “He was ...” his voice trailed off. “He just has the problem with drinking.”_

_Dean sighed loudly. “I’m leaving tomorrow at seven. I would like to see you at the airport too.” With that Dean turned on his heels and walked out of the apartment._

_*****_

           “Dammit!” Dean blustered. “I am such an idiot! I should never go away. Or at least came back when I figure out what a monster Crowley is. You’re such an idiot, Dean!” He let his head slid down onto the wheel as he was mentally slapping himself for tons of mistakes he made during past 5 years. He just wished he could turn back the time and turned down the offer from Boston back then. But it was too late. All he could try to do was help his former friend now.

            Dean fished out his phone from pocket and dialled the number on the speed dial. It rang twice until the voice answered.

“Hey, Dean, what’s happening?”

“When is your break, Sammy? I need to talk to you, urgently.”

“Uhm, for about half an hour. Dean, everything’s good?”

“No Sammy, nothing is good. I fucked up majorly. I will be there. Wait for me in front of hospital.”

“Ok.”

Dean hung up and started the car taking off to drive to hospital. It was about to be a long night yet.


	3. Chapter 3

        Dean pulled over near the hospital entrance turning off the engine of his beloved car and getting out of it. He ran a hand through his spiky hair and sighed heavily as he breathed in the cold night’s air. He shrugged his shoulders in attempt to shook off the coldness of the night and yet something else. He wanted to shrug off the guilt he felt against Castiel for abandoning him like that. He was fool, he knew it now. He only wished he knew it before either.

        Dean leaned his back against the door of Impala tilting his head a bit backwards as he closed his eyes and let himself faded away by memories again.

*****

        _“So, you won’t ask, will you?” Sam’s voice sounded in Dean’s cell phone._

_Dean was already in Boston nicely settled in. His new job was great and his co-workers were really cool, so basically Dean was pretty happy. Or rather content. He wasn’t entirely happy. He would be, if he didn’t left behind one of the few persons he cared about._

_“Ask what?” Dean frowned. “You already told me everything new. You have a girlfriend, or what?”_

_“Dean,” Sam sighed on the other side of the line. “You are like a stubborn child sometimes, you know that?”_

_Dean was silent for a while. Of course he knew what was Sam referring to, or who. But Dean wasn’t sure he was prepared to hear the answer. He didn’t say anything for yet a while as he was contemplated in the memory of one’s sad incredibly blue eyes._

_“How is he?” Dean asked finally, his voice low and quiet._

_“He seems fine. I don’t talk to him much since he doesn’t coming out of apartment very frequently. But he seems quite well.”_

_Dean smiled a small sad smile. “Good. That’s good.”_

_“He published his second book, you know,” Sam teased a bit waiting for his brother’s reaction though he already knew what it would be._

_“I know,” Dean answered. “I bought it right away.”_

_“You did?” Sam was grinning wide as his assumption was right._

_“What?” Dean snapped him. “He’s a good writer. The book is good.”_

_“Right.” Sam chuckled a bit. “But listen,” his voice raised as he has just remembered something. “I came across this article about Crowley the other day and there were some weird stuff about the last company he owned. It seems he was involved in prosecution. You should check it out on the internet. Or ask uncle Bobby about it, he may know.”_

_“Yeah ok. Thanks Sammy. I will look on it later.”_

_“Ok. I need to go. Another nightshift,” Sam sighed heavily. “Will you be ok?”_

_“Me? Sure. Don’t worry about me, kiddo.” Dean said with a slight grin. “Go get your sorry ass to work until they’ll fire you.”_

_Sam chuckled on the other side of the line. “Oh and by the way, great job on that last match.”_

_“Thanks Sammy,” Dean smiled._

_“Jerk.”_

_“Bitch.”_

_And the connection was broken. Dean put down his phone and threw himself on the bed staring at the ceiling. Castiel was alright. That was good. That meant Dean didn’t make a mistake leaving him. He could live without him, couldn’t he? He did, until they haven’t met. And he was pretty content. In the end, what was Dean for him? Why should he be bothered at all? Right. Because Dean was his friend. His best friend, if not the only friend. And he cared about Castiel, no matter how much he denied it. He wanted Castiel to be happy. But he was, wasn’t he? His career was great, Sam said he seems fine. So why does Dean still have that big ball of guilt in his stomach? Why he couldn’t stop worrying about the other man. Why does he feel like something terrible is about to happen?  Why he can’t forgive himself for leaving him there. With Crowley. If Dean only didn’t leave. If Castiel went with him. They could be living here together now. They would be maybe hanging on the couch right now watching some cheesy movie, eating popcorn. And they would be happy, because they would have each other. And Castiel would be safe. No one could hurt him anymore. That was what Dean wanted the most. To protect Castiel. To assure him no one will ever hurt him again. So why did he leave at the first place?_

_Dean slowly drifted off dreaming about those ocean blue eyes. He wanted desperately to see them shine and spark again like that day when Castiel showed him his first book. He was so happy that day. Truly happy. When he admitted he named characters of his book after Sam and Dean. Castiel’s eyes were full of joy and devotion in that moment. They were so beautiful and his smile so bright. Dean remembered clearly how his heart skipped a beat when he was staring into that endless blue. But it only lasted a while. Dean’s heart clenched when he saw bruises on Castiel’s wrists and his eyes were sad and lifeless again. And Dean could swear he saw the fear in them. The undying fear, not from Crowley, but from opening up for Dean. The fear he would hurt him the same way as everybody else did. And for a brief moment he saw hope in them. Hope that Dean would help him, he would understand. And what has Dean done? He left, turned his back on him. He did exactly what Castiel was afraid of. He hurt him._

_Dean woke up suddenly on the sound of his mobile phone beeping and those sad blue eyes yet stuck for a brief moment in front of Dean’s. Castiel maybe was alright, but he wasn’t happy. And neither was Dean._

*****

        “Hey, man,” Sam’s voice interrupted Dean’s line of thoughts and he was brought back to the cold May’s night.

“Hey,” Dean said wanly.

“Here,” Sam handed him a cup of coffee with a little smile.

“Thanks, man,” Dean gratefully accepted it.

“So, what’s going on?” Sam asked sipping from his own coffee.

Dean sighed heavily and started: “Remember how we were talking about Cas the other night?”  
Sam nodded.

“Well, I went there back – and don’t say anything,” Dean snapped him sooner than Sam could even open his mouth.

“I wasn’t going to,” Sam admitted truthfully.

Dean sighed again. “Ok, well. I went there and ... I just needed to be sure it wasn’t him.”

“And?” Sam asked a bit concerned. He knew Dean wouldn’t call him in the middle of his shift if it wasn’t important.

“And it was Castiel.” Dean’s voice broke.

Sam didn’t know what to say so he just waited for Dean to continue. He saw his brother had much on his shoulders, he was just refusing to share it with him. Dean just wasn’t a sharing person. He would be rather drowning in his emotions than talking about them out loud. Sam didn’t want to push him. He knew Dean would tell him, if he was ready. Sam just hoped he was ready now.

“He is a wreck, Sam. Because of me.”

“Come on, Dean. You can’t blame yourself from everything. It wasn’t your fault.”

“It was.” Dean huffed angrily. “I left him. I should have stayed and ... and protect him.” Dean’s eyes started to fill with tears.

Sam grabbed the coffee cup from Dean’s hands and put it along with his on the roof of the car. Then he hugged his brother tightly to comfort him. And Dean let it out. He wasn’t trying to fight it anymore. He was sobbing in the arms of his younger brother like a little child. But he couldn’t stop. He needed to let it out finally. He was suffocating with guilt for a very long time. He couldn’t suppress it anymore.

“He’s a wreck, Sammy,” Dean was weeping into Sam’s shoulder. “He’s doing a rent boy just so ... just so he would have money for fixes.”

“Dean I,” Sam was trying to comfort him the best he could. “I didn’t know.”

“I need to help him, Sammy. I need to save him.”

“Right,” Sam was thinking hard for a moment. “Rufus’ cabin.” He exclaimed then.  
Dean pulled away from his brother wiping the last drops of tears from his face. “You think it would work?”

“Definitely! You can take him there. I will lead you through the details of withdrawal and if you’ll need anything, just call me. I couldn’t be there with you guys. I need to do double shifts next week, but I’m sure you can do it.”

“I don’t know, Sammy. I don’t think I am strong enough.” Dean ran a hand through his face.

“Dean, look at me,” Sam demanded. “I’m not going to lie to you. It will be bad, it will be nasty. Cas may even tell you some things he would wish he never told you. But, if you want to save him, really save him, I guess this is your only chance. Drug users are not likely to live a long happy life.”

Dean closed his eyes for a while. It was his responsibility. He was the one who left Castiel behind; he should be the one who will bring him back to life. He needed to do it. He needed to redeem himself in the eyes of his friend. Dean nodded slowly and sighed.

“How long will it last?”

“Well, it depends on what’s he taking.”

“I don’t know, man. I really don’t.” Dean shook his head.

“Ok,” Sam frowned. “Well then, as soon as you got there, find it out and call me, ok? We need to know what he’s addicted to so we would know the risks.”

Dean nodded again. “But, he’s not working tonight. I don’t know where to find him.”

“Ok,” Sam nodded in agreement. “Look, we will go buy some supplies tomorrow, prepare ourselves for the worst, ok? And then tomorrow night you will go to him and take him there, ok?”

“But I will need money.”

“Right,” Sam furrowed his eyebrows.

“Wait,” Dean’s eyes widened. “I have money saved from my work in Boston. I was planning to move to a bigger apartment there, but I won’t need them now. I will not leave Castiel again. I’m not going back there.”

“Are you sure about this, Dean?” Sam asked voice full of concern.

“I have never been more sure about anything in my life before.” Dean said solemnly. “I will not let him down. Not now; not again.”

“Alright then. Then I will help you as much as I can.”

“Thank you, Sammy,” Dean hugged him again.

“That’s ok, Dean. Just, get him together, ok?”

Dean nodded one last time.

“I need to go back to work. We’ll see each other tomorrow.”

Sam grabbed his coffee from the roof of the car and headed back to the hospital. Dean was standing there in the night for a while yet, thinking over the situation.

*****

        _“Hey Bobby. May I have a question for you?” Dean asked, Bobby on the other line._

_“Hey, Dean. What’s up, everything’s fine?”_

_“Yeah. I was just looking through some stuffs and I need information.”_

_“Sure. Ask away.”_

_“Did you hear about some guy named Crowley during your career?”_

_Bobby sighed angrily on the other side of the line. “What has he done again?”_

_“Nothing. Nothing ... yet.” Dean said. “I just saw this article about him on the internet about this prosecution and that there was imposed a pretty big fine on him and that’s why he had to close his previous company. You know something about it?”_

_“Unfortunately yes.” Bobby sighed. “It was the case of my life. I was working on it with your dad for a lifetime and it drove us mad. It was huge. This Crowley guy, he is a real monster. You know what his problem is?”_

_“His stupid?” Dean raised an eyebrow._

_“Well yeah. Maybe that too. But nah. He has too much money and he doesn’t know what to do with them. He was known for bank accounts frauds. He did it all over the States. No one could stop him because he was too clever. He always covered his traces.”_

_“So what happened?” Dean frowned._

_“I’ve almost got him when this guy pressed charges against him for abuse. He was his partner or something like that. He had really strange name. Something like ....”_

_“Castiel?” Dean’s voice was full of worry._

_“Yeah. Actually that was his name. Castiel Collins I believe. How did you know that, Dean?”_

_“Dammit!” Dean huffed. “Cas is... He’s friend of mine.”_

_“Oh,” there was a silence on the other side of the line for a while. “Dean?”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“I didn’t get Crowley because this Castiel, he took the petition back. I don’t know why. I tried to talk to him. If he didn’t do it, I could have arrested Crowley. Not for those frauds, but he would get a lifetime for that abuse too. But, I don’t know what happened. He just, he changed his mind and took it back. I guess it’s just that typical case when abused person thinks the other can change.”_

_Dean was silent. The weight of it all came crashing down on him._

_“But I don’t believe he could change, Dean. He is a monster. You should see that poor guy when he came with that charge. He was a mess. No one deserves to be threatened like that. If he is really your friend, watch out for him. You know such relationships don’t end happily ever after too often for the reason, right?”_

_“I know,” Dean paused for a while. “Thanks Bobby.”_

_“Just ... help him, boy. I couldn’t have.”_

_“That’s what I’m planning to do.”_

_Dean hung up running a hand through his hair. He knew what he had to do. He dialled another number and waited while the person on the other side of the line will pick it up._

_“Yeah, hey. I would like to buy one plane ticket for tomorrow to Montana. .... Yeah, the sooner the better ... Winchester, Dean ...”_


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, very cheeky Cas is coming in scene. Hopefully you'll like him as much as I do.

        _Dean was about to knock on the door of the familiar apartment when Sam’s voice sounded behind him._

_“Dean? What are you doing here?”_

_“Sam,” Dean turned around. “I am such an idiot. I shouldn’t have left.”_

_“Dean, what’s going on?” Sam asked concerned._

_“I called Bobby as you asked me to. And he told me about Crowley.”_

_“What about him?” Sam frowned._

_“He was charged for abuse but Cas took it back at the nick of a time. I don’t know why. I guess he is somehow sickly in love with that guy. They moved here because they dug out some dirt on Crowley and his reputation was ruined. He moved here, where nobody knows him and bought another company and... and he’s... he’s hurting Cas.” Dean’s voice broke as his eyes started to fill with tears._

_“I can’t let him go through it. I tried. Hell I tried to convince myself Cas is fine. But I feel it in my heart his not. And I can do something about it. I must do something about it, Sam.”_

_“I’m sorry, Dean,” Sam looked at his brother with understanding eyes. “But you can’t.”_

_“What do you mean?” Dean frowned._

_Sam’s face got creased from the pity he felt. “He’s gone.”_

_Dean stomach twisted and turned and his heart felt like it was shredded between two big stone walls. “What?” he let out a brief sigh. “What do you mean, gone?”_

_“They moved.”_

_“When?” Dean pressed his brother._

_“Just yesterday. I was about to call you ...”_

_“Where?” Dean interrupted him._

_Sam shook his head in desperation. “I don’t know. I really don’t.”  
Dean slid against the wall on the ground and put his head between his knees sobbing weakly. How could this happen? Why didn’t he just come sooner? What will happen to Cas now? He couldn’t know. All he knew was, he would probably never see his friend again. _

*****

        Dean was sitting in Impala watching his former friend standing on the other side of the side walk talking to someone. He had slim black trousers with sassy holes in it and tight bright blue long-sleeved t-shirt with his sleeves rolled up just under the elbows so his punctures wouldn’t stick out. T-shirt was really tight and it had deep neckline but it only pointed up his wide shoulders and firm torso. The blueness of shirt also picked out his eyes. Dean smiled a bit. He didn’t seem bad at all. In fact, if Dean didn’t know better he would say he seemed like pretty normal and attractive guy, nothing more. Castiel noticed Dean was looking at him and he approached the car, leaning over the window. It wasn’t sooner than Castiel’s husky voice sounded when Dean came back to reality.

“Hey there, handsome. What can I do for you?” he smiled seductively.

“Cas. It’s me, Dean. Please, tell me you remember me.”

Dean saw a flesh of knowledge in Castiel’s eyes but he hid it quickly. “I’m sorry handsome. My name’s Angel. But I can be your Cas, if you want.”

Dean sighed in frustration. Apparently it won’t be as easy as he thought it would be. Dean licked his lips and thought of what to say: “Ehm. Do you ... you know, do you do only quickies or also long-term deals.”

Castiel raised an eyebrow. “Well well. It seems the rumours got to your pretty little ears, handsome. But sorry, I don’t think you would have enough money to afford more than just... a quickie as you said.”

“Oh trust me, I have enough money.” Dean pulled out his wallet and showed Castiel its content.

Castiel whistled at the sight and smiled seductively again. “Well then, what am I waiting for, right? How long would like me to be your ... Cas.” he whispered sensually.

“Ehm,” Dean blushed a bit. “What about a week?”

“Very well then. Lead the way, handsome.” Castiel said as he walked around the car, slowly enough to let Dean look him over carefully and all his virtues.

When Castiel was sitting in the car, Dean took the keys and put them into ignition prepared to turn on the engine. Before he could do it Castiel’s hand was lying on his and Castiel was leaning to him whispering seductively again: “You know what they say about me, right?”

Dean glanced on Castiel’s hand firmly griping his and then on Castiel, slowly shaking his head, eyes wide.

Castiel made a cocky grin and said: “It is said,” he paused to lean even closer to Dean, “that I am one bendy mother fucker.”

“Oh,” Dean cleared his throat as he felt his voice was much hoarse as he thought. “That’s ... good to know,” he said nodding.  
Castiel let go of Dean’s hand and Dean sighed in relief. This is going to be a long week.

        Impala was driving peacefully on the lonely dark road, nothing but her purring sounding around the road. Dean was trying as hard as he could to concentrate on the road but he found it harder than he thought. Castiel was unceasingly leaning towards him with various excuses or talking dirty to Dean. Dean was just trying to pull Castiel words out of his head as he was unwillingly making graphic illustrations from them, when suddenly he felt something warm on his thigh. He looked down and saw Castiel’s hand dangerously close to his crotch. Dean was trying to focus on the road, but then he felt the warm breath against his ear and his vision went blank for a while.

“What about pulling over finally, handsome?” Dean heard husky voice sounding sensually near his ear.

“W-why?” Dean was trying to sound as calm as possible but he was already panting quickly. He smelled the scent of Castiel near him and he would be lying if he denied it wasn’t turning him on. This and that husky seductive voice. But still, he was trying to deny it.

“So you could finally fuck me, handsome,” the answer came even closer as Dean felt phantom lips caressing over his ear.

Dean swallowed hard as he didn’t know what to say.

“I want to feel you...,” Castiel whispered, his hand moving upwards to Dean’s belt. “... hard...,” he placed his hand on Dean’s belt, “... and fast...,” he pulled skilfully and Dean felt his belt loosing up though his pants started to tighten up. “... inside me.” Castiel finished his sentence as he was about to unzip Dean’s pants.

“Here!” Dean exclaimed suddenly thoughtlessly pushing Castiel away. “Here we are!”

Dean turned off the engine and got out of the car quickly. They were standing in front of the old seedy looking cabin. It wasn’t Hilton, but it would suit the purpose.  
Dean grabbed bags with groceries he and Sam bought earlier that day and hurried inside. Not long after him Castiel entered too.

“So, what’s the point of coming here?” he asked. “Are you afraid your friends would find out your dirty little secret?”

“What secret?” Dean breathed out still trying to calm down from the incident in the car.

“That you like to fuck boys,” Castiel was approaching Dean slowly and Dean wasn’t sure he liked the look in his eyes.

“What? Me? No ... I’m not gay.” Dean chuckled a bit though he wasn’t sure why.

“No?” Castiel raised an eyebrow as he was almost face to face with Dean. “Cause your pants are telling me something else.”

Dean was trying to back up from Castiel but he found himself bumping into the kitchen sink and he was now successfully pinned to it, Castiel right in front of him, only inches away.

“Dammit!” he huffed. “Ok, look ... ehm, Angel! We have a whole week ahead, right? Why shouldn’t we go slower on this?”

Castiel licked his upper teeth and looked over Dean’s lips. “Why should we?”  
He grabbed Dean’s ass firmly and Dean’s eyes widened from the sudden touch. “I want you here and now,” he ghosted around Dean’s neck with his lips, careful not to touch Dean so he would lengthen his lust.

Dean closed his eyes for a while gathering all strength he had. Castiel meanwhile put his leg in between Dean’s and clung to him even closer. Dean tried to hide a moan as he felt the pressure on his not willingly hardening cock, but Castiel heard him clearly and smiled against his neck. Dean finally gathered enough strength and pushed Castiel away. “Ok, look, Cas. Listen to me. I know you’re there. I know you don’t want this. You need to fight it. I want to help you, Cas.” he begged.

Castiel falter for a moment but then he leaned towards Dean again whispering into his ear:  
“Are you gonna talk ... or fuck? Cause I prefer fucking.”

Dean sighed heavily. All right, time for plan B. He gave Castiel a half smile and grabbed him by the hand leading him towards the old rusty bunk bed. He sat on the bottom bed and pulled Castiel on him.

“Now that’s what I call fun,” Castiel grinned, starting kissing Dean’s jaw slowly. Dean let him trail wet soft kisses all the way down his neck until he reached his collar bone. When Castiel stopped to look at the other man, Dean grabbed him firmly by the shoulders and rolled them both so Castiel was on the bottom.

Castiel smiled cheekily and bit his bottom lip: “So you like to be on top, huh?”

Dean smiled too and winked on the other man: “You don’t even know how much.”

Then Dean stretched to grab something from the old dusty bedside table and he showed Castiel two pieces of cloth. “What you say about little tying up?” he asked.

“Hm, kinky,” Castiel grinned. “I like it.”

Dean took the cloths and tied up both Castiel hands to the head of the bed as tight as he could. Then he returned to his position sitting on Castiel’s lap and facing him.

He bit his bottom lip and said: “I got to go for a while. Don’t go anywhere, ok?”

Castiel grinned again: “Don’t you worry, handsome. I’ll be waiting.”


	5. Chapter 5

        Dean went out of the cabin dialling Sam’s number on speed dial.

“Hey man, how’s it going?” Sam’s voice sounded in Dean’s phone.

“Sammy, it’s terrible. He is like, I don’t know. He just really wants to fuck. I’m desperate, man.” Dean burst out everything in one breath.

“Whoa. Calm down, man. How? Where is he now?”

“I tied him up to the bed.”

“You what?” Sam shrieked.

“I had to. Or he would rape me.”

Dean heard his brother chuckled. “It’s not funny, bitch.”

“You know, Dean, you need to be two on sex. It is not raping if you’re not fighting back exactly.”

“What?” Dean exclaimed. “I was fighting back.” ... ‘Sort of,’ he finished his thought in his head.

“Yeah right. I can imagine.”

“Ok will you stop, please? I thought you said you want to help.”

“And I want to. Listen. I packed you a dose of sedatives for the worst scenario. And I guess it just came to reality. It is in the bag with water. Just inject him that, tell him it’s a drug or something, and he will sleep in no time.”

“Is is safe?” Dean frowned.

“Yeah, completely.”

“Thanks Sammy. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“Yeah right. Just be careful. And try to frisk him when he will be sleeping.”

“What?” Dean shrieked. “Why would I do that?”

“Ehm, to find some fixes, of course. We still need to know what he’s taking.”

“Oh, right,” Dean blushed heavily. “Of course. Why else. Ok, I’ll call you when I find something.”

“Ok.”

Dean hung up and sighed heavily preparing himself mentally for the next step.

 

        He slowly entered the cabin going through the lines in his head. He just hoped he would be at least a bit convincing.

“Oh, finally,” Castiel sighed, still tied up to the bed. “I was getting bored. I hope you didn’t start without me.”

“What? No. Of course not. Ehm, just wait. I have something special for you here.”

“Is it so?” Castiel smirked. “I love surprises.”

Dean just grinned a bit and turned to look through the bag. He found the little box pretty quickly and when he opened it he saw there a few needles with some liquid in it prepared to be used.

‘Thank you, Sammy.’ Dean thought as he pulled out one of the needles.

“What is it?” Castiel raised an eyebrow as Dean was approaching him with the needle in his hand.

“Something what will make your experience unforgettable.” Dean smiled on the other man. He just hoped he was at least such good actor so he would persuade Castiel to take it.

“Oh I am sure it would be unforgettable even without that,” Castiel winked at him. “Cause you are so ... hm ...,” he breathed in Dean’s scent as he leant over him, untying the knots. “... so sexy.” Castiel finished when Dean leant back.

“Thanks,” Dean said turning a little red. “But trust me. With this, it will be much better.”

Castiel looked at the needle and nodded. “Well then shoot, handsome,” he made a little half-smile.

Dean grabbed Castiel’s hand and rolled up his sleeve a bit more, showing his previous punctures. Dean winced at the sight and for a brief moment he was back in the days when him and Castiel used to be friends. He knew he had to do it. Doesn’t matter, what it takes. He must help Castiel. Dean took the needle and injected it into Castiel’s arm. Castiel flinched a bit as his whole forearm was covered in bruises from tons of other punctures. Dean felt sorry for him. He didn’t deserve this.

“Should we continue then?” Castiel asked smiling seductively.

“Well, sure,” Dean said wondering when the sedatives will start to work.

Castiel pulled up a bit so he would reach for Dean’s neck and started to kiss him again, one free hand trailing over Dean’s firm back.

“Don’t you wanna untie my other hand too? So I can grip you tight?” Castiel smirked against his neck.

Dean leaned over and tried to untie the other knot, which he found quite hard since the other man was doing everything to distract him. When he finally made it, he felt Castiel’s lips leaving his collar bone and for a brief of the moment he found himself missing the radiating heat of the man under him. But Dean came to mind quickly as he placed Castiel’s other hand on his belly looking over him. He was already asleep. Dean sighed out a deep breath. Then he remembered what Sam told him to do and he groaned in depression.

 

        He checked if Castiel was really sleeping and when he didn’t see any sudden movements from the other guy he straightened himself so he would be sitting upright. Castiel’s t-shirt didn’t have the pockets, so if he had some fixes, he had to have them in his pants. Dean looked over his pants and saw the lump in the place where Castiel’s crotch was. Dean sighed and told to himself quietly.

“I thought I will never say this but ... please be drugs, please be drugs, please be drugs,...”

He was repeating this as a mantra while he reached into Castiel’s pocket and grabbed something. He pulled it out and saw he was holding two small sachets with white powder.

“Great,” Dean sighed ironically. “Now I just need to call Sammy.”

 

        Dean went off the cabin again into the cold night. He dialled his brother’s number second time this evening and waiting while he will pick up. It rang just twice when Sam’s voice sounded:

“Hey. That was fast. You got something?” he asked.

“Yeah. Thanks for the sedatives. I don’t know what I would be doing without it.” Dean said running his hand across his face and breathing out heavily.

“No prob, man.”

“So, I found this white powder. In fact, it looks kind of like sugar.”

“Right,” Sam frowned. “And you said he has these punctures?”

“Yeah. Fuck loads of them. I don’t know how is he functioning with those bruises all over his arms.”

“Well, basically, the drugs took away that pain.”

“Oh, I see. So, you know what it is?”

“It’s probably heroin.”

“Whoa. That’s not some mild kind of drug, is it?”

“No, it’s not. It’s pretty nasty drug. Only three days of steady use is what it takes to get addicted. Usually it’s more like a week or two, but I guess his long over that point.”

“Ok, Sammy. Are you really sure it is heroin?” Dean’s voice was full of worry.

“Well, not entirely, but you can simple test it.”

“How?”

“You have some tinfoil in there?”

“Wait, I will check.” Dean said as he walked in the cabin again looking over the kitchen cabinets.

“Finally!” he sighed when he found what he was looking for. “Ok, Sammy. I got it. What now?”

“Ok. Put the small amount of it on the tinfoil and put a flame to it from underneath.”

“Ok, wait. I will go outside and put you on the speaker. I don’t want to wake up Cas.”

Dean walked outside again and put his phone to the worm-eaten bench, sitting next to it. He took the tinfoil and emptied the amount of one sachet onto it. Then he pulled out his lighter and switched it on.

“Well, it’s heating. What is it supposed to do?” he asked then hovering onto the phone so Sam would hear him.

“Does it melt like a wax?”

“Well, yeah.”

“And how does it smell?”

Dean smelled it carefully and sneezed a bit. “It has this strong aroma of ... of a candy, actually.”

“Well then, it is heroin.”

Dean’s heart clenched. ‘What have you gotten into, Cas?” he thought.

“Ok, what am I suppose to do now?” Dean asked.

“First of all, dispose what you got.”

“Ok,” Dean switched of his lighter, grabbed the phone and the rest of heroin and went to old well behind the cabin. He threw it inside and sighed:

“It’s done!”

“Good.” Sam said. “So, listen carefully now.”

“Ok.”

“It will take probably 5 to 7 days for Cas’ body to detox from it. He would feel like he had a flue – cold, fever, sore throat, vomit, nausea, diarrhoea, shakes, chills, sweats. Like he had the mother of all viruses.”

„Great,“ Dean breathed out heavily.

„That’s not all, Dean.“

„What else?“

„He wouldn‘t be probably able to sleep for most of the time. He will suffer from severe depression, anxiety and he wouldn’t probably able to eat a thing.“

„Great, something else you want me to say?“

„Yes. The first week may be the worst but next one will not be any easier. He needs to want to get out! He needs to think positive, as cliché as it sounds!“

Dean sighed again and closed his eyes for a while. “Is this everything?”

“I didn’t tell you the worst part.”

“What’s that?”

“He will be really craving for another dose, you have to deal with the lingering thought that a little bag of powder would cause all of his horrible pain to disappear.”

“But it won’t right?”

“No, it would only make it worse. Whatever he does, you can’t let him to take another dose, understood?”

“Yeah, understood.”

“Dean?”

“Yeah.”

“You need to be strong for him.”

“I know, Sammy. I know.”

“I gotta go now.”

“Right. Thanks.”

Dean hung up the phone and leant against the well. This is going to be very hard week.

 

        Dean went back to the cabin and walked towards the bunk bed where Castiel was sleeping soundlessly. He felt sorry for his friend. He seemed so innocent and fragile as he was sleeping. Almost like an angel. A real angel. Dean smiled a sad smile and drew aside wandered lock of hair Castiel had on his forehead. Dean let his hand linger on Castiel’s cheek for a while and Castiel leaned into the warm touch of the other man. Dean smiled, leaned over and kissed Castiel softly on his forehead.

“Don’t worry, Cas. You’ll get better. I promise,” he whispered.  
Then Dean leaned backwards and went over the couch, lying on it. He yet long stared on the ceiling thinking about upcoming events. When he finally fell asleep he was again dreaming about those big blue eyes without a flesh of spark in them.


	6. Chapter 6

        Morning sun dropped down on Dean’s face as he was lying on the couch dreaming about one’s ocean blue eyes. Dean leant into the warmth of the sun, eyes still closed as he let himself carried away by his dream. He felt the warm kisses be gently placing on his neck and a hand under his shirt exploring his burning skin.

“Hmmm... Cas,” Dean murmured for himself, still half asleep.

“You like it, huh?” the well known husky voice sounded in immediate proximity of Dean’s ear as he opened his eyes, suddenly very much awake.

“What... what are you doing, Cas?” Dean startled, feeling Castiel to continue to place soft small kisses behind the area of his ear which made Dean unwillingly moan.

Castiel smiled against his ear. “Continuing where we’ve stopped last night,” he said as he sucked on Dean’s earlobe.

“Oh God!” Dean exclaimed. “Cas, you don’t need to...”

“Shhhh,” Castiel placed one of his long slender fingers on Dean’s lips as he leant over him.

Dean blinked a few times wishing he would wake up and realise this was just a dream – not that different from the one he actually had – but he wasn’t that lucky.

“You must have very interesting dream last night, handsome,” Castiel said as he ran his hand over Dean’s morning hard-on. Dean gasped a bit as he felt the contact and suppressed another moan.

“We should definitely do something about it,” Castiel said as he sat on Dean’s lap, hands on Dean’s belt, unbuttoning it skill-fully.

“Cas...” Dean tried to say something but was cut off by Castiel who was hovering over him once again, his lips only inches away from Dean’s.

“Tell me,” he whispered sensually, “did you dream about me?”

Dean swallowed hard, eyes wide. He pushed Castiel away stronger than he actually wanted and stood up quickly. He quickly pulled out some of his old clothes from his duffel bag he brought yesterday along with groceries and threw it to Castiel’s face.

“Here, put these on. It will be more comfortable. I ... I gotta go.” and he ran into the bathroom as fast as he would be chased by a fierce wolf. He closed the door behind him carefully and leant against it heaving heavily.

“Dammit!” Dean cursed. He ran his hand over his face and slowly made it to the sink. He noticed the small old radio lying on the shelf on top of the mirror so he tried to turn it on in attempt to think about anything but Castiel. Dean splashed cold water over his face; his head hovering over the sink as he was listening to the song radio was playing.

_*I don’t want anybody else, when I think about you I touch myself oh oh oh, I don’t want anybody else, when I think about you I touch myself I touch myself (I don’t want anybody else) I touch myself, I touch myself (and when I think about you I touch myself) I touch myself, I touch myself*_

Dean suddenly opened his eyes realising his hands went spontaneously to his crotch as he’s been carried away by the song for a while. When he came to himself he immediately turned the radio off, eyes wide. “What the hell?” he shrieked. “What kind of sick song is this?”  
He uttered a sighed as he looked down to his pants, muttering to himself: “Oh man, I will need a shower. A very long, very cold shower!”

Dean was about to turn the shower on, when he heard the slight knocking on the bathroom door and he froze. “Ehm, yeah?” he said loudly but in much higher pitched voice that he planned to.

“Is everything alright there, handsome?” Dean heard that familiar husky voice from the other side of the door.

“Yeah, everything’s cool,” Dean lied trying to pull himself together. “Just having shower, that’s all.”

“Do you want some company in there?” Dean heard Castiel smiling on the other side.  
He swallowed hard and closed his eyes again. “No, thanks,” he said again with that damn high voice. “Just ... just get comfortable ... out there ... not in the bathroom ... Cas,”  
Dean sighed heavily as he sat on the bathtub. “Be right back.”

“Ok then,” Dean heard Castiel’s voice and he felt relief when he heard the soft steps fading away as he was receding bathroom door.

Then he jumped to the door and made sure he locked them carefully. He sighed again and pulled of his clothes hastily, then turned on the shower and jumped right in. He had to figure out something. Something what would keep Cas’ hands off of him. He was angry, angry on Castiel for being... well, what exactly he was? He was doing his job... and he was doing it quite well, frankly. But that wasn’t the point. Dean was pretty sure he didn’t want to do it and he wouldn’t be doing it if he was thinking straight.

But Castiel, however, wasn’t the person Dean was most angry at. He was most angry at himself. For not being strong enough, for not pushing Cas away sooner, for fucking dreaming about the guy. And the worst part? Dean was enjoying it... more than he should, actually. He felt good when he felt Castiel near to him, his voice whispering into his ear, his warm breath on his neck, the heat radiating from the slightly smaller guy on his skin. Dean sighed again and added more cold water as he was drifting off to unwanted thoughts about Castiel once again.

        After quite a long time Dean finally got out of the shower only to realise he has clean clothes in his duffel bag... in the other room... where Castiel was. Dean wrapped the towel around his hips and closed his eyes once again sighing heavily before he opened the door to other room. He saw Castiel half lying on the couch, eyes closed and his head leant back. He smirked a bit as he heard Dean’s footsteps on the wooden floor and said calmly:

“Did you enjoy your shower, handsome?”

Dean startled a bit as he was approaching his duffel back, but tried to keep as calm as possible and to get some clothes on as soon as possible. “Yeah, yeah. I did. Yeah.” he slapped himself mentally as he knew he wasn’t sounding at least a bit convincing.

Dean was already half dressed and was about to put the shirt on, when he noticed Castiel is strangely quiet. He approached the couch a bit more to have a better look and his heart stopped.

Castiel was lying there completely relaxed. He seemed quite normal, except there was a shot placed on the couch next to his right arm. Dean jumped over the couch positioning himself next to Castiel hastily. “Cas... what have you done?” he asked shaking him by the sholders.

“What?” Castiel said lazily as he tilted his head to get a better look at Dean. “You said I should get comfortable,” he yawned a bit. “So I did.”

Castiel was now grinning widely at Dean. Dean’s heart ached as he saw his friend totally high. “Cas ... how ... where did you get it?”

Castiel just grinned even wider and patted Dean on the cheek. “You didn’t search the other pocket, my friend.”

“Cas,” Dean was starting to get desperate. “Come on, Cas. Can’t you see I’m trying to help you, here?” his voice broke as he let his head drop.

There was a moment of silence which was broke by Castiel’s voice again: “Dean?” he asked unsurely.

Dean’s heart jumped a bit. “Yes, Cas. I’m here.” he reached for his friend’s shoulder in attempt to emphasize his words.

“Dean I,” Castiel’s words were stucked in his throat. “Dean.”

“It’s ok, Cas. I’m here.” Dean pulled his friend into a hug and not long after he heard the soft sobbing.

“It’s ok. It’s gonna be ok. I will help you.” Dean said as he was soothingly stroking Castiel’s back.

They have stayed like this for yet while longer, Castiel quietly sobbing in Dean’s arms and Dean trying to comfort his friend as much as he could. Dean, his eyes closed, was thinking about everything what must have happened to Castiel that made him end up like this. His heart ached every time he thought about it, because he knew it was partly his fault. If he just didn’t bolt him, they wouldn’t be here now.

        Dean suddenly felt a warm hand on his naked chest and a very familiar feeling of Castiel’s lips covering his neck with wet line as he was moving down to his collar bone and to his chest.

“Cas?” Dean asked unsurely. “What ... what are you doing?” he frowned.

“Kissing you,” Castiel said without stopping his actions.

“Cas,” Dean exclaimed as Castiel’s hands pulled him down on the couch. “Cas?”

Castiel glanced on Dean shortly and grinned as he placed his lips to Dean’s chest once more and Dean couldn’t suppress another moan as Castiel sucked on his nipple.

“Tell me,” Castiel said smiling placing other small wet kisses over Dean’s burning skin. “Am I good actor?”

“What?” Dean shrieked pulling Castiel away and jumping to his feet. “What are you talking about?”

“Oh come on, handsome,” Castiel grinned as he repositioned himself on the couch. “We both know you want it,” he said as he spread his legs invitingly.

Dean huffed something unintelligible as he went over to kitchen fridge to pull out one cold beer to calm himself. As he opened it and drank a half of the bottle on one sip, he felt the warm hands wrapping his chest from behind.

“What you say about another shower, handsome?” sensual voice sounded next to Dean’s ear, but he managed to get out of the clasp pretty easily and turned to face Castiel.

“Goddammit, Cas!” he exclaimed. “I’m trying to help you here... and you... you’re not cooperating, man.” he put the bottle on the table and carefully approached the other man.

“I’m trying to help you, Cas,” he said, his voice much softer.

Castiel’s eyes lowered and he averted Dean’s gaze. “What if I don’t want to be safe?” he asked.

“What?” Dean sighed almost inaudibly.

“I have never asked you to help me,” Castiel said now making a full eye contact with Dean. “What if I like it the way it is?”

“And do you?” Dean pressed him. “Are you,” Dean faltered as an old memory made a way to his mind. “Are you happy, Cas?”

Castiel averted his eyes again for a while, intensively looking to the bottle of beer Dean placed on the table before a while. He seemed to be thinking hard about something but then that phony cocky grin appeared on his face again and he reached for a bottle slowly making his way to Dean.

“I like it as long as you do, handsome,” he said as he placed a bottle to his lips slowly sipping from it. “Now, what say you, if we continue?” he let the bottle near his lips as he was toying with its neck with his tongue.

Dean shifted his gaze from the bottle and Castiel’s tongue to his eyes full of lust and back to his lips. “I,” he tried to get himself together again.

“Ok, you know what?” he exclaimed as he snatched the bottle from Castiel. “We’ll make a deal.”

“Hm, naughty,” Castiel raised an eyebrow. “So what’s it gonna be?”

“Ok,” Dean heaved. “If you will not take more drugs today,” Dean paused a bit to reassure himself he wanted to do this, “we’re gonna have sex tonight.”

Castiel ran his tongue over his teeth as he looked over Dean. “You have a deal, handsome.”  
Dean sighed in relief but it wasn’t long as he felt the warm hands touching him again.

“Cas?” Dean asked high pitched again. “I thought we’ve had a deal.”

“And we do,” Castiel whispered against his ear. “I’m just touching you. This is not sex, handsome.”

Dean bit his bottom lip and pulled away from Castiel. He quickly grabbed t-shirt he wanted to put on before he saw Castiel on the couch and dressed himself.

“Ok, you know what?” he said as he grabbed surprised Castiel by the wrist. “We’re going out.”


	7. Chapter 7

        Dean was dragging Castiel through the forest silently for about half of an hour when Castiel finally get enough.

“So where are we going, handsome?” he asked. “Cause I’m not really for hiking. I’m getting bored.”

“Just, wait a minute,” Dean murmured almost inaudibly, still marching forward.

“Here we are,” Dean stopped. They were on the edge of the forest where a wide crystal blue lake was placed. Dean approached the pier and breathed a fresh air, watching the beautiful scenery in front of them.

“You’re coming here often, handsome?” Castiel approached Dean and was standing now right behind him.

“Just when I need some air. You know, to think about things. It reminds me,” Dean faltered a bit and turned to face Castiel. “It reminds me an old friend.”

Castiel narrowed his eyes and opened his mouth in attempt to say something, but then he seemed to change his mind he closed them again and looked away from Dean. Dean was observing him closely. He knew that his friend, the old Castiel, is somewhere there, somewhere under that phony cheeky act. He knew he wanted Dean’s help, he just didn’t know how to ask for it.

Castiel looked over Dean again and smirked naughtily. “What say you if we take a swim?” he raised an eyebrow and before Dean could say anything he was putting off Led Zeppelin t-shirt Dean borrowed him this morning. Dean turned away and blushed as he saw Castiel was about to strip completely. When he heard the loud splash he turned again and saw Castiel in the water, looking so innocent and happy. Dean smiled a bit at the sight as it reminded him the side of his friend he didn’t get to see often.

“You coming or what?” Castiel asked raising an eyebrow.

“I think I will stay here,” Dean said.

“It’s not like you can’t swim, is it?”

“No. Just. I’m better here,” Dean tried to sound convincing. The sun was burning hot and Dean was already melting, but he didn’t want to go to the water. Because he didn’t want to be in the close proximity of Castiel, naked Castiel. He knew it wouldn’t probably end up well.

And damn, he was thinking about him again. Dean mentally slapped himself again as he was watching Castiel swimming peacefully there and back. If Dean didn’t know better, he would say he is normal healthy guy.

Castiel suddenly vanished from Dean’s sight as he dived under the water. Dean was waiting, standing on the pier, but Castiel wasn’t coming up. Dean frowned as he knew it was quite long Castiel went under water and his stomach tightened. He pulled off the clothes quickly staying only in his black boxers and he hastily jumped into the water.

“Cas?” he shouted. “Castiel! Cas, where are you?”

Dean was desperate. He can’t lose him. Not like this. Not again. He dived into the water in attempt to find Castiel, but he was nowhere to find. Dean surfaced to take a breath and in that moment Castiel appeared again.

“Dammit, Cas!” Dean exclaimed breathless. “What happened?”

Castiel swam closer to Dean as said cheekily, raising his eyebrows. “Gotcha again, huh, handsome?”

“What?” Dean exclaimed. “I was worried about you, man.”

“You need to relax, handsome,” Castiel smirked. “We need you to loosen up.”

As he said that he dived again too quickly for Dean to even say something. Dean was trying to figure out what’s going on when he suddenly felt hands grabbing him by the hips and pulling down his boxers. Castiel surfaced not long after that with victorious smile placed over his face as he was waving in front of Dean with his wet boxers. “Isn’t this better handsome?” he grinned.

“Give it back!” Dean growled as he reached for the boxers but Castiel pulled away too quickly and threw them on the pier.

“Why? Don’t you feel comfortable, handsome?” he said looking over him. “I’m sure you don’t need to be ashamed of anything... down there.” he smirked.

Dean scowled at him and swam to the pier, jumping out of the water and putting the boxers back up as quickly as he could. Castiel just smirked and swam to the pier too. He got out of the water and Dean blushed again as he turned away.

“You know you can watch.” Castiel said. “I’m sure you would like the sight.”

“Just... just put on some pants, dude. Please!” Dean said covering his eyes with one hand, just for sure.

“As you wish,” Castiel whispered into his ear as he was passing over him and Dean shivered as the electricity shot through his spine as he heard that sensual voice once again.

“You can open your eyes, handsome.” Castiel said as he was sitting down on the edge of the pier.

Dean peaked with one eye to make sure Castiel wasn’t fooling him again and when he saw he has the pants on him, he sighed and approached to sit next to him. Castiel lay down, crossing his hands behind his head and closing his eyes, enjoying the warmth of the sun. Dean was looking forward, watching the peaceful surface of the lake, contemplated in his thoughts.

After a while he looked over Castiel, who was soundlessly lying next to him with a small smile playing on his lips. Dean noticed multiple bruises on other man’s torso, some older, some newer, and his heart ached again on that sorrowful sight. He reached to gently brush a hand against one of Castiel’s bruises and asked softly, still looking on Castiel’s chest: “Is this... is this from your... clients?”

Castiel opened his eyes and looked on Dean’s hand carefully placed on his chest. He looked over to Dean and smirked: “Some like it really hard. Why? Are you one of them?”  
Dean frowned and looked Castiel right into the eyes: “Why are you let them do this to you, Cas? You can’t possibly enjoy this.”

Castiel was quiet for a while. Then he moved one of his hands and placed it over Dean’s one on his chest. “I like it as far as the client likes it.”

Dean pulled away, moving his hand from Castiel’s chest. He looked over the lake again, staying like this for a while and then said quietly: “That’s bullshit, Cas. And you know it.”

Then he turned back to Castiel who was looking at him with interest, half lying leaning against his elbows. “You’ve just gotten used to like it, Cas.” Dean said harshly.  
Castiel pulled himself up so he was closer to Dean and whispered, this time sternly: “If you call me Cas one more time, our deal is off.”

After that Castiel stood up put on borrowed t-shirt and walked off. Dean cursed to himself as he was trying to dress as fast as he could and get to follow Castiel. He caught him up when they were almost at the cabin again.

        “Ca... Angel,” Dean shouted. “Wait!”

Castiel stopped at the patio and turned to face Dean. “What?” he asked sharply.

“I just...” Dean tried to find the right words as he was approaching Castiel. “I’m sorry. I... I didn’t mean that.”

“Right,” Castiel narrowed his eyes. “Well, keep your opinions to yourself, handsome,” he snapped at Dean. “You don’t know me, you can’t imagine what I’ve been through. So shut up and let me do my job... or let me leave.”

Dean felt his heart clenched as he saw the anger in Castiel’s eyes. He wanted to help him so desperately, he just didn’t know how. “I’m... I’m going to make something to eat.” Dean said as he passed next to Castiel entering the cabin and heading to the kitchen.

        After two hours Dean was done with everything and went back outside to call Castiel, or Angel, to meal. He walked out and saw Castiel sitting on the rotten bench, head hovering over his hands placed on his knees. He was holding another small sachet of a white powder. Dean faltered a bit, but decided to approach the other man either way and stood next to him asking unsurely: “Everything’s good?”

No answer came from the other man so Dean decided to get even closer and sat next to him. Dean was sitting there for a quite long time, looking on the sachet in Castiel’s hands, when Castiel finally spoke up: “I don’t want it, Dean.”

Dean’s heart jumped in happiness when he finally heard his old friend’s voice. He knew he wasn’t acting now. No. This was Castiel. His Castiel.

“I have never wanted it,” Castiel said almost inaudibly. “I’ve just.... I didn’t know how to get rid of that pain. And they said... they said this is the easiest way.”

Dean’s eyes started to fill with tears as he was looking at his broken friend sitting next to him, but he fought them off as he knew he must be strong for Castiel.

“Dean,” Castiel’s voice broke and when he look up to him, Dean saw his eyes were full of tears. “Please, help me.”

Dean nodded and said quietly: “That’s why I’m here, Cas.”

“Come,” Dean said as he stood up and stretched out the hand for Castiel. Castiel looked at it questioningly.

“Just, trust me,” Dean smiled a bit.

Castiel grabbed his hand and stood up looking into Dean’s emerald eyes. Dean gave him a reassuring smile and walked him to the old dry well, where he threw away the fixes the other night. Castiel looked at him, tears still streaming down his beautiful face and Dean squeezed his hand reassuringly. Castiel stretched the other hand and with a long heavy sigh he threw the last dope he had to the dry well. He stood there looking down to that darkness as he felt Dean let go of his hand. And for a split of a second Castiel felt all alone and helpless and all he wanted was just another dope to get away from this. But then he felt a warm hand squeezing his shoulder sympathetically and another one wiping his tears away. He looked over the other man and he saw his eyes were full of love and care. Dean wiped away all of Castiel’s tears with his thumb, but he let his hand rest on Castiel’s cheek a bit longer as he was examining his stare.

“See. This is the first step, Cas,” Dean smiled a bit. “We’re on a good way. It’s gonna be ok.” he said as he squeezed Castiel’s arm comfortingly once more. Castiel smiled a bit and nodded.

“Come now,” Dean patted him on the shoulder and let go of him making Castiel long for that warm touch for a moment. “You got to eat something.” Dean said as he was approaching the cabin again.

Castiel looked over the old well one last time and then turned away from the darkness filling it and the darkness of his past, walking towards the brighter future. Or at least he thought so.


	8. Chapter 8

        Dean cleaned up the dishes and went to lie on the couch. It was an exhausted day for both of them. Dean threw himself on the couch closing his eyes instantly and trying to get to sleep. He couldn’t, though, find that right comfortable place and he was constantly tossing around. After about an hour of trying he gave up and sat up. He glanced over the bunk bed where Castiel was sleeping. He didn’t seem to have very peaceful night also. He was constantly twitching and murmuring something Dean couldn’t hear from his place on the couch. He seemed very restless, so Dean decided to go check on him. He stood up from the red couch and went slowly and quietly to the bed. When he came closer he noticed Castiel was shivering and at the same time he was sweating excessively, eyes only half closed as he was tossing around in the bed.

“Cas,” Dean said softly as he kneeled down to other man placing a comforting hand on Castiel’s shoulder.

“Dean,” Castiel murmured almost inaudibly as he opened his eyes a bit more.

“You ok, Cas?” Dean lit up dusty lamp over the bedside table and it shone a dim light on Castiel’s face. And in this moment Dean noticed how ghostly pale the other man was. Dean put a hand on Castiel’s forehead and tried not to notice how Castiel flinched at the touch, because it hurt him too much. It hurt him that Castiel still didn’t trust him completely, that he still thought Dean would hurt him.

“Cas it’s alright. I’m not going to hurt you. You’re gonna be ok,” Dean said softly as he was hovering over him checking for his temperature.

“You’re burning, Cas,” Dean said as he finally managed to place a hand on man’s forehead.

“How do you feel?” Dean asked worriedly.

“I’m cold, Dean,” Castiel said weakly as he was fighting to keep his eyes open.

“Ok, Cas. I’m going to make you a warm bath, ok?”

Castiel just smiled on him, not able to form a word. Dean made a painful sorrowful smile in reply and stood up from the bed to get the bath prepared.

        When Dean was all done he came back to the bed where Castiel was still twitching and shivering.

“Cas?” Dean asked softly to make Castiel aware of his presence. Castiel looked at him, his eyes tired and completely dull. Dean frowned and tried to look as assuring as he could but he couldn’t fight the feeling of concern which was laid in his chest comfortably.  
He helped Castiel to sit up slowly and put one arm under him to help him gain the strength to stand up. They got up but Castiel immediately staggered and if it weren’t for Dean he would fall down on the bed again. Dean, however griped him tight and pulled him up again. He tried to make some steps forward the bathroom, but Castiel’s knees were shaking terribly and he couldn’t hold his balance for more than few seconds.

“Ok, this is not working, Cas,” Dean said as he sat Castiel back on the bed.

“I’m gonna need to carry you, ok?” Dean smiled on his friend who just nodded and closed his eyes, trying to gather as much strength as he could. Dean grabbed Castiel under his arm even tighter and slid the other arm under his knees. He lifted him up and slowly made his way to the bathroom.

“It’s ok, Cas. I got you,” he was murmuring into Castiel’s crown as he was curled in Dean’s arms, his head placed on Dean’s chest as he was holding him as strong as he could.

“Please,” he said weakly. “Dean.”

“I’m here, don’t worry, Cas.”

They finally made it to the bathroom and Dean placed Cas on the toilet lid so he could go turn off the water.

“Don’t,” Castiel sighed almost inaudibly. “Don’t let me go, Dean.”

“I’m not.” Dean said as he placed a comforting hand on Castiel’s cheek. Castiel lifted his head and looked into Dean’s eyes.

“I will never leave you again, understand?” Dean gave him a reassuring smile and Castiel nodded weakly.

Dean went to turn off the water and closed the door so the cold night wind wouldn’t sneaked in. Then he got back to Castiel who was lifelessly sitting on the toilet lid, his head slightly swinging from side to side.

“Hey,” Dean demanded his attention as he knelt next to him again. Castiel opened his eyes and smiled weakly on the other man.

“Ok,” Dean smiled too. “Gotta undress you, Cas.” Dean said as he blushed a bit. “I don’t want to do this, trust me, but you can’t go to the bath dressed. Plus I really like that Led Zep t-shirt you have.”

Castiel managed to make another weak smile as he nodded. Dean nodded too and took a long breath. He grabbed the hems of Castiel’s t-shirt and pulled it over his head. Castiel groaned in pain and lent his back against the wall.

“What’s happening, Cas?” Dean startled. “Did I hurt you?”

“No,” Castiel said weakly. “It’s just... My whole body is aching.”

“Right,” Dean murmured for himself. “Sammy was warning me about this. You would experience symptoms similar to flu. But it will be much worse.”

He placed a hand on Castiel’s cheek and sooth it with his thumb comfortingly. “But I promise, we’re gonna get over this, ok? I’m gonna help you.”

Castiel nodded and lent against the wall again.

“Ok. Now I need to take your pants off, ok, Cas? Don’t panic, ok?” Dean smirked a bit and blushed again.

He took another deep breath and unbuttoned Castiel’s pants. He slowly pulled it down along with his boxers trying to look anywhere but to the other man’s crotch. Castiel sighed heavily as he felt the cold air on his skin and Dean blushed even harder.

When Castiel was all ready for the bath, Dean took him to his arms again and gently put him into the warm water.

“Is the water alright, Cas?” he asked.

“Yes, thank you, Dean,” Castiel replied quietly.

Dean smiled weakly and took a sponge from the shelf. He sank it into the water and placed it on Castiel’s back, who was hovering forward with his head between his knees. As Dean was making slow and soft circles with the sponge on Castiel’s back he heard the other man moaned a bit. Dean blushed again and bit his bottom lip.

“You ok there, Cas?” he asked.

“Yes,” the reply came almost immediately. “It feels good, Dean.”

Dean didn’t say anything as he wasn’t sure how to react to this, so he’s just continued to wash Castiel. As he finished his back he made Castiel to leant back and continued on his chest. As Dean saw the bruises covering Castiel’s chest again, he felt sorry for his friend. He didn’t deserve this. Dean was suddenly thrown off of his thoughts when Castiel hissed in pain.

“Oh, I’m sorry, Cas,” Dean exclaimed as he realised he had to pushed some sensitive spot on Castiel’s chest unknowingly.

“It’s ok,” Castiel said as he looked over Dean with his big puppy eyes. “Thank you, Dean. For everything.”

“Don’t thank me yet.” Dean lowered his eyes. “It’s nothing. It will get worse.” he said sadly.  
Castiel managed to grab Dean’s hand a squeezed it comfortingly. “I’m sure I’ll get over it. With your help.”

Dean smiled and was about to say something when he felt his phone buzzing in his pants.

“Oh, it’s Sammy,” Dean said as he looked on the caller’s ID. “Will you handle it here alone for a while?” he asked Castiel.

“Yes,” Castiel nodded with a weak half smile.

Dean stood up and walked to the door turning around to check on his friend for one last time. Then he opened the door and walked into other room receiving his call.

        “Hey Dean. Did you lose your virginity already?” Sam chuckled in the phone.

“Hahaha, Very funny, bitch,” Dean huffed.

“Ok, sorry,” Sam said still a bit chuckling. “How’s it going?”

“Well, good and bad.” Dean replied. “Which you want to hear the first?”

“Ehm, the bad?” Sam said.

“Yeah well, not really making the sense in this order.” Dean frowned. “Well, anyways. Good thing is Cas is not that horny anymore. I have managed to keep him off of me.”

“How?” Sam asked distrustfully.

“Ehm. I promised him sex when he will not take drugs for a day,” Dean murmured hoping Sam will not understand a word he said but he wasn’t that lucky as he heard his brother laughing hysterically in the phone. After a few long moments Dean asked nervously:

“Are you done?”

“Yeah,” chuckle, “I... whoa... yeah I’m good.” Sam said as he struggled for some air.

“I’m glad my suffering is hilarious to you.” Dean said annoyed.

“Yeah right. Like you didn’t enjoy it, Dean.”

“What?” Dean shrieked.

“Oh come on. I saw how you two were looking on each other back in the days Cas was living next to us. There was clearly something between you neither of you just want to admit.”

Dean went silent for a while as he blushed heavily. “So, as I said. We made a deal and he haven’t had drugs since morning.”

Sam chuckled again as he knew he shot the bulls eye. That week together will be just good for those two. “Right. So I guess he’s already experiencing the symptoms of withdrawal.” Sam said.

“Yes. He’s in the tub right now.”

“Ok. Just keep him warm, ok? If his temperature will get very high, however, you will need to get him to hospital. There’s thermometer in the bags you brought. Check his temperature regularly, ok?”

“Yeah. Ok.” Dean sighed heavily. “This will be hard week, right?”

“Yes Dean, it will. But you need to be strong for him.”

“I know. Thanks, Sammy. For everything.”

“You’re welcome. I will come to check on you when I will have a day off, ok?”

“That would be cool, thanks. Ok, I gotta go to check on him. Bye.”

“Bye.”

        Dean walked back to the bathroom quietly and saw Castiel lying in the bath all relaxed, head tilted back and eyes closed. He walked closer and kneeled to the other man.

“You ok there?” he asked softly, smiling.

Castiel opened his eyes and smiled in reply. “Yes, thank you.”

Dean chuckled a bit as he pulled a towel from the shelf. “You don’t need to thank me all the time, Cas.”

Castiel blushed a bit and lowered his eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize too,” Dean smiled as he grabbed Castiel under his shoulders and helped him to stand up, wrapping a towel over his pale body trying to ignore all the wounds and bruises he was covered with.

“Ok, let’s get you dressed to something warm, ok?” Dean said as he helped Castiel to walk out of the bath and sit on the toilet lid again. Dean brought him his old flannel shirt and new pair of jeans. He slowly dressed Castiel and then he helped him to get back to bed. Now he managed to do it on his own two feet, only with a supporting help of Dean.  
Dean smiled on him again as he put him on the bed and covered him with blanket.

“Don’t go anywhere, ok?” he joked. “I’m gonna find thermometer.”

Castiel nodded and buried himself in the covers. Dean was back almost immediately holding a small thermometer. He gave it to Castiel’s mouth and while he was waiting for it to beep, he checked his forehead again and frowned. He was still quite hot, but he seemed a bit better. Thermometer beeped finally and Dean took it out of Castiel’s mouth looking over it.

“Ok, it’s not that bad,” he smiled a bit putting thermometer away. “How are you feeling, Cas?”

“I’m cold,” Castiel replied.

Dean frowned and thought for a while. Then he stood up and grabbed the blanket from the upper bed and covered Castiel with it too.

“Better?” he asked.

Castiel nodded and smiled weakly. Dean caressed Castiel’s hair and smiled: “Try to sleep, Cas,” he said as he was about to stand up and went over to couch but he was stopped as he felt a hand grabbing him by the wrist.

“Please,” he heard Castiel saying weakly and he turned to face his friend once again.

“Please, don’t leave me, Dean.” Castiel begged and Dean saw the urgency in his eyes that made his heart ache again.

“I will never do that. Not again,” Dean said softly and lay next to his friend putting one shoulder over him protectively.

Castiel sighed and closed his eyes. Dean felt him shivering under him, so he pulled him even closer to his body to provide him with all warmth he could. “It’s gonna be ok, Cas,” he murmured into the back of his head and kissed his hair softly. Then he buried his face into Castiel’s neck and closed his eyes. It wasn’t often that Dean Winchester was praying, but this night he was. He was praying for his friend to get better, he was praying for strength for Castiel to get over this and for strength for himself to help him. After all, what else he has to left? Only faith that this would end well. Though he didn’t believe it himself.


	9. Chapter 9

        Dean woke up to the muffled sound of someone vomiting in the bathroom. He rubbed his eyes to get rid of the last signs of sleep and sit on the rusty old bed. He saw the dispersed covers beside him and remembered what happened last night. Dean frowned worriedly as he heard another similar sound coming from the bathroom. He stood up and made his way to the bathroom door silently stepping bare feet on the warm wood. He opened the door carefully and saw his poor friend hovering over the toilet lid throwing out excessively.

“Hey, you ok, Cas?” Dean asked frowning as he approached him and kneeled down on the cold floor.

“Do I look like I’m ok?” Dean heard the grumpy answer.

“Right. I’m sorry. Stupid question.” Dean said lowering his eyes.

Suddenly he felt a warm weak hand be placed on his. “I’m sorry,” Castiel said quietly as he looked at him with his tired eyes. “I just. I didn’t sleep well.”

Dean frowned again and was about to say something, when he was cut off by Castiel’s vomiting again. He placed a hand on his back gently and massaged his friend with small smoothing circles to ease his pain.

“How long are you here?” Dean asked as he saw his friend was already very weak from the vomiting.

“I don’t know,” Castiel said between vomiting. “Two, maybe three hours.”

“Cas!” Dean exclaimed. “You should have woken me up.”

“I... I didn’t want to bother you. You were sleeping so calmly.”  
“Cas,” Dean placed another hand on his cheek to made the man to look at him as he wasn’t vomiting right now. “You wouldn’t bother me. Remember, I’m here to help you.”

Castiel stared at Dean for a long time his eyes full of hope and faith, until he was forced to turn to lid again and threw up some more. Two men were sitting in the bathroom yet for about an hour, when Castiel finally stopped throwing up. He was though, still hovering over the toilet, his head placed on the cold marble surface.

“Thank you, Dean,” he said weakly, his voice raucous from constant vomiting.

“It’s ok, Cas. That’s why I’m here,” Dean said softly as he squeezed Castiel’s shoulder comfortingly.

“I’ll go to prepare something for you to eat, ok?”

“Dean,” Castiel wanted to say something, but Dean interrupted him.

“No excuses. You need to eat, Cas.”

Castiel closed his mouth and nodded placing his head back to that comfortable position leaning against the cold surface. Dean smiled a half sad smile and leant forward to his friend to place a soft kiss on the other man’s hair.

“Be right back,” he whispered and stood up walking off the bathroom.

        Few minutes after, while Dean was preparing breakfast, he heard the soft footsteps behind him. He turned and saw Castiel tottering towards him.

“Whoa... easy there. You should call me, Cas.” Dean leapt to him immediately as he put down the pan he was making pancakes on.

“I don’t need,” Castiel said heavily, “your constant babysitting.”

Right after he said that he stumbled and fell into Dean’s wide open arms.

“Well apparently you do, tiger boy,” Dean smirked a bit as he helped Castiel to regain his balance. Castiel blushed and lowered his eyes not able to look straight at Dean.

“It’s ok,” Dean said softly as he was leading him to the table.

“You think you’ll be able to keep those pancakes in your stomach, buddy?” he smiled at the other man when he seated him right.

“I don’t know, Dean,” Castiel said sadly as he lowered his head even more.

“That’s ok. At least, we’ll try it, ok?” Dean smiled reassuringly as he placed a plate with tastefully smelling pancakes in front of Castiel and handed him a fork.

Castiel accepted it with small smile and start eating very slowly because his throat was still aching from the long hours of throwing up. Dean sat next to him, looking over him worriedly, prepared to help if needed. He smiled encouragingly every time Castiel managed to swallow whole bite of pancakes, starting to think the worst is behind them. After an hour of sitting silently at the table Castiel managed to eat the whole plate and grinned at Dean victoriously.

“Great job, Cas,” Dean patted him on the shoulder as he took the plate from him. “Was it good?”

“Yes, Dean. Thank you. It was... very delicious,” Castiel smiled.

“Good,” Dean turned back to him after he put the plate to the sink. He looked Castiel over and stated: “Well look at you. Looking better already. Soon you’ll be that young handsome man again.”

Castiel blushed and lowered his eyes, but suddenly he felt Dean’s hand under his chin forcing him to look back up. Dean was kneeling next to him on one knee, looking over him with love and care in his eyes.

“Dean, what are you doing?” Castiel asked silently.

“You have a bit of syrup here,” Dean said as he wiped the drop from Castiel’s bottom lip caressing it with his thumb along the way. Castiel suddenly felt a warm tickling in his stomach and he blushed again as he noticed Dean staring at him intently, his hand still under his chin.

“Dean I,” Castiel started but Dean pressed a finger on his lip to hush him.

Castiel was looking into those emerald eyes feeling like he could lose in them, feeling like the warmth in his stomach grew, when he realised that what he felt in his stomach weren’t what people called butterflies, but the half-processed pancakes making their way back to the light of a day.

“I need to go,” Castiel murmured as he hurried himself groggily back to bathroom.

Dean stayed kneeling there a bit shocked for a while as he was trying to clarify what has just happened. Because for a flash of a moment he would swear he wanted to kiss Castiel. He wanted to willingly kiss his friend. And Dean got a bit scared of it. Because it was one thing to partially enjoying kisses and touches Castiel was giving him the other day, when he was in his full “cheeky Cas” mode. But wanting to kiss the guy, willingly, on the mouth... and picturing how good and nice it would feel... yeah, that was whole another thing. Plus Castiel was his friend. He wasn’t at his right mind, when he was all over Dean the other day, so Dean wasn’t paying attention to that too much. But now he was back to himself, back to his old self. And Dean was pretty sure Castiel didn’t want to kiss him – and Dean definitely wasn’t going to take the advantage of his sick friend. Yeah right – and he wasn’t gay, of course!!!

        Dean silently walked into the bathroom stepping next to his friend who was once again hovered over the toilet lid throwing up. Dean wanted to comfort his friend, to tell him something encouraging, but he couldn’t find any suitable words. He felt weird and awkward in the presence of Castiel after what happened just minutes ago and he wasn’t sure what to do now. He stood above Castiel looking down at him, but as he saw his friend struggling effortlessly to pick himself up and leant against the cold bathtub, his love to the other man won and he knelt down quickly helping Castiel to move to his desired position. Dean checked Castiel’s forehead and frowned deeply.

“You’re burning again,” Dean murmured. He grabbed a piece of cloth and soaked it with cold water, putting it on Castiel’s forehead. Castiel was half lying on the bathroom floor leaning with his back against the cold bathtub, his eyes closed as he tried to rest for a while.

“You don’t need to do this, Dean,” he said quietly almost whispering.

Dean gave him a small smile and shook his head. “Still stubborn, huh?”

They’ve been sitting like this for yet a long time, but Castiel’s stomach seemed to calm down. When he wasn’t vomiting for about half of an hour, Dean decided to carry him to bed so he would be more comfortable. He lifted him as easily as yesterday and slowly led him away from the bathroom, putting him down on the bed. Most of the time Dean stayed with him sitting on the chair next to bed holding him by the hand. He left only when he went to re-soak the cloth he was putting on Castiel’s burning forehead, or when he went to clean out the bowl where Castiel was vomiting.

        Practically the whole day and night went in similar tracks. Castiel was shivering on the bed trying to sleep by he couldn’t. He was tossing around, mumbling incoherent sentences and vomiting constantly. At the morning Dean was incredibly tired, since he didn’t went to sleep that night either, not even took a few hours to nap. But he didn’t leave Castiel. He was still sitting next to him holding his hand firmly to let him know he was with him. From time to time Castiel looked at him, but every time he did Dean’s heart ached. Castiel’s eyes were blank and they seemed like whole life disappeared out of them.

“Dean, please,” Castiel begged him for about thousand times, his eyes full of tears and his skin sweating heavily.

“You know I can’t, Cas. It’s for your own good.” Dean said, feeling like his own eyes were starting to fill with tears, but he fought them back.

“Dean,” Castiel begged. “Just one fix. To get me better. Please.”

“Don’t,” Dean said running his free hand against his face. “Don’t ask that from me. Anything but this, Cas.”

Castiel tried to get up but he fell back on the bed almost immediately, Dean even didn’t have to try to push him back.

        The next day and night were pretty much the same. Dean was sitting next to his deadly sick friend cursing the damn drugs for getting him where he was, trying to get him at least a bit better, but nothing was working. Castiel’s whole body was aching, he couldn’t even turn around without horribly groaning in pain, he was exhausted, but he couldn’t sleep. When Dean wanted to get some food in him, it almost immediately went out, one way or the other. He was all sweaty and burning, but still he was shivering and asking Dean for more covers. All he could think about was how the one fix could make this all went away. He wanted it, he wanted it bad but he couldn’t do it. Not because of Dean. He tried so hard to help him, to get him out of this, he couldn’t fail him. He couldn’t do that to him. He had to fight it.

He looked over to Dean who was sitting on the chair next to him. His head was hanging loosely. He fell asleep. Castiel just wished he could too, but his brain didn’t let him. Castiel stayed like that, looking on his friend, who though deeply asleep was still holding his hand firmly. Castiel attempt to smile but even this hurt him much so he gave it up soon. He closed his eyes although he knew he wouldn’t fall asleep like his friend. But at least he could picture something better, something nicer than this situation. He pictured himself and Dean living together in one apartment, both happy for each other company. He pictured what he could have had if he had left with Dean when he asked him. But he hadn’t and so he was now here.

The sharp pain threw him back to reality and he found himself on that damn bed in that damn cabin again. He was miserable, he felt like he would die, but at least he was with Dean. He was with the only person he cared about. He was with the only person he loved. He just wished Dean would love him in return. But he couldn’t. He always saw him as a friend – a good friend. He would maybe do anything for him. He tried to help him, he loved him. But he loved him only as a friend. And Castiel knew this would never change.

He was angry with himself for doing what he have done to Dean few days before, but he has been under influence of drugs back then and he wasn’t thinking straight. But he couldn’t suppress the feelings in his stomach and in his heart when he was so close to Dean. When he felt Dean’s naked skin on his lips. When Dean moaned under him.

Castiel knew he would be the happiest person on the planet Earth if Dean would loved him back, but he also knew that will never happen. And that was another reason why he wished he would die. Because he knew he wouldn’t ever be happy. Even if he would come clean and that was big if, he would never be happy without Dean.

He wished Dean would leave him alone because he knew he would be heartbroken if he died. That was the reason why he couldn’t do it himself. Because he couldn’t do it to Dean. He loved him too deeply.

Frankly, he hoped the drugs would do that for him, he hoped it would kill him eventually. But of course it didn’t go as he planned. If Dean just didn’t show up that night in the alley. If he has just left him alone. But of course he hasn’t. Of course he felt like he had to help him.

So here he was, lying on the bed in the unspeakable pain, the dearest person to him sleeping soundlessly right next. And it was breaking Castiel’s heart to see him there. He maybe wasn’t dead on outside yet, but he surely was dead from inside. He died the day Dean left to Boston.


	10. Chapter 10

        When Dean woke up around afternoon all stiff and aching since he fell asleep on that uncomfortable chair. He opened his eyes, vision still a bit blurry from the lack of sleep during last few days and he noticed two big blue lifeless eyes staring at him.

Dean smiled weakly and said: “Hey Cas. How do you feel?”

Man in front of him averted his eyes immediately as he realised Dean was watching him. Dean frowned and leant forward to his sick friend caressing his hair with his left hand.

“You ok, Cas?” he asked worriedly.

Castiel closed his eyes and furrowed his eyebrows looking like he was fighting with urge to pull away from Dean.

“A bit better,” he said weakly at last.

Dean smiled again and squeezed Castiel’s hand he was still holding with his right one. Castiel opened his eyes and looked over their joined hands. Dean would swear a sad broken smile fleshed over Castiel’s face for a brief moment but he decided to ignore it and asked lovingly, caressing the other man’s hair again:

“You want something to eat, Cas?”

Castiel frowned and shook his head: “No. It will end in the toilet anyway.”

Dean didn’t want to make a pressure on his friend, so he let it be deciding that later he will make him some snack.

“Ok then. Let me at least check your temperature,” Dean said and reached for thermometer.

He checked if it is zeroed and placed it into Castiel’s mouth. While Dean was waiting patiently, he got back to gently caressing Castiel’s hair. He wasn’t sure why he was doing it, it just felt nice to do it, so Dean decided not to question it further. Castiel on the other hand seemed like it would bother him, that Dean is touching him so much. He seemed extremely sad and he was avoiding Dean’s look every time Dean tried to make eye contact with him. Thermometer finally beeped and Dean took it out of Castiel’s mouth looking carefully on it.

“Good,” Dean smiled gently. “It seems your temperature went down. I think you’re getting better, Cas.”

Castiel just nodded slightly and closed his eyes again.

“Do you want something else, Cas?” he heard Dean asking.

“No,” he said quietly, his eyes still closed and after a while he heard soft steps receding from his side and the sound of door opening. He opened his eyes and didn’t see Dean near him, not even in the cabin anymore. Castiel sighed heavily and turned to his side facing the wall letting the warm tears stream down his face. He couldn’t bare it anymore. Dean’s presence was killing him. He knew he wanted to help him, but every time Dean looked at him, smiled at him or touched him, Castiel’s heart ached. And it was the pain like nothing else. It was worse than all the symptoms of detoxication multiplied ten times. It was the worst pain in the world. Because it was the pain coming from the knowledge Dean’s looks, smiles and touches were just those of a friend. Dean would never touch him any other way. Dean would never kiss him. Dean would never love him. And this knowledge made a big empty hole in Castiel’s heart.

        Castiel was sobbing silently on the bed trying to cry himself to sleep but he couldn’t. He didn’t sleep for three nights and days in a row. He was extremely tired but he couldn’t shut his brain down. If he wasn’t consuming himself by the thoughts of Dean he was thinking about heroin and how it would help him to ease his pain. But he wasn’t able to even stand properly by himself, not yet do anything else. So he did the only thing he could. Lying on the bed, letting himself be consumed by the pain and by the unwilling sad thoughts.

As Castiel was sobbing quietly on his bed, he was suddenly awoken from his thoughts by the warm hand on his shoulder.

“What’s happening, Cas?” he heard Dean’s soft and worried voice and he couldn’t hold his tears any longer. He was now crying his eyes out as he felt Dean sat next to him and pulled him up into sitting position and to his arms. Dean embraced him tightly as he was caressing back of his hair and his back.

“It’s ok, Cas. I’m here,” Dean was repeating for his friend between kisses he was placing to his hair. Castiel felt the soft kisses of Dean be placing on his head and he felt like he lost every will to resist it. He just couldn’t fight it anymore. He wanted to feel Dean close to him, no matter how. Dean placed another kiss to Castiel’s hair as he murmured soothing words into it and then he continued placing soft little kisses on his forehead. Dean wasn’t quite sure why he was doing it. He told himself he wanted only to help his friend, only to comfort him. And it seemed like it was working since Castiel seemed to stop weeping.

Dean placed another soft kiss on Castiel’s forehead and then pulled away a bit to look into his friend’s eyes. He cupped both of Castiel’s cheeks gently and looked over his sadden face covered in tears. Dean leant forward and wiped away one tear on Castiel’s cheek with his lips. Then he placed his lips to another place of Castiel’s cheek and wiped another tear. Castiel closed his eyes and let himself faded away by the moment as Dean was wiping his tears with his lips softly and carefully. Dean faltered for a while when he wiped all of Castiel’s tears, staying still very close to other man. He looked over Castiel’s eyes which were still closed and then to his lips waiting invitingly for Dean’s.

Dean realised his heart was pumping loud and fast and for a little while he wanted to pull away, but he couldn’t fight his urges anymore. He was thinking about kissing Castiel too much during last few days, he just thought Castiel didn’t want it. But now, now they were so close to themselves and Castiel didn’t seem to fight him. Of course, he was too weak to fight, so he wouldn’t probably fight even if he could, but Dean still couldn’t get out of his mind that haunted thought, that Castiel might be craving for his touch, for his kiss too. Dean closed his eyes and decided. He leant forward and he already felt the warmth of Castiel’s skin radiating from him. He was about to kiss his friend, when suddenly the front door flew open and a familiar voice of his brother exclaimed: “Hey, guys!”

Dean pulled away from Castiel quickly, startled jumped up and hit his head to the upper bunk, letting Castiel sitting there starring at him eyes wide.

“Son of a bitch!” Dean huffed.

Sam walked in their visual field and asked frowning: “I’ve just interrupted something, didn’t I?”

“What?” Dean exclaimed holding his hand on the spot he hit himself. “Of course not,” he snapped and passed over Sam quickly into the kitchen so his brother wouldn’t notice he was blushing. Sam looked over Castiel who was sitting on the bed, his head lowered between his shoulders, looking to the ground.

“Huh,” Sam gave out and smirked a bit turning to go to kitchen after his brother.

“So,” Sam said as he sat on the chair behind the table and watched Dean placing a bag of ice on the pulsing spot on his head, “you’re ok here?”

“What?” Dean exclaimed as he was still with Castiel on the bed in his thoughts. “Ehm yeah... yeah. We’re fine.”

Sam raised an eyebrow and smirked a bit. Dean sat over the table ignoring his brother’s smirk. “How did you come? I haven’t heard you.”

“By car, of course.” Sam replied. “Well you had to be very occupied since you didn’t hear the motor.”

Dean rolled his eyes and cleared his throat as he stood up and turned away from his brother so he wouldn’t notice he was blushing again. Dean threw the bag with ice to the sink as he realised he should do something since he stood up from the chair. He turned back to Sam then and asked: “Well, you came to check on him, right?”

“Yes,” Sam nodded.

“Well then, I guess we should get into it, shouldn’t we?”

“Sure,” Sam smirked again. “Will you bring me my bag from car? I will prepare the injection.”

“What are you going to do?” Dean frowned.

“Relax, man.” Sam calmed him. “I’ll just take his blood to test it for possible diseases.”

“Is it possible he has some?” Dean sounded concerned.

“I believe it would show up already if he had. But I want to be sure. You never know, considering the life he was leading who knows how long over past five years.”

Dean nodded, still frowning and turned to went out to the car.

        Sam went over the bed where Castiel was lying again on his back.

“Hey, Cas. Do you remember me?” Sam asked as he approached him sitting on the chair next to bed.

Castiel looked over him and nodded a bit.

“Good,” Sam smiled. “I will examine you now, ok?”

Castiel nodded again though his eyes were clearly incredulous.

Sam took out injection from smaller bag he brought with himself and look over Castiel whose eyes were full of fear now.

“Don’t worry, Cas. I will just take your blood, ok?” Sam said as he reached for Castiel, but Castiel flinched immediately and pressed himself against the wall, starring wide at the needle.

“You don’t need to be afraid, Cas,” Sam tried to calm him down, but it apparently wasn’t working.

“Where’s... where’s Dean?” Castiel asked, his voice anxious.

“I’m here, Cas,” Dean’s voice sounded from behind Sam as Dean was approaching them and knelt next to the bed. Castiel seemed to ease immediately as he saw Dean’s emerald eyes looking at him lovingly.

“Come, Sam wants only to help you.” Dean said as he reached his hand to Castiel. Castiel looked over the needle in Sam’s hand again and then back to Dean who was smiling at him softly. He took Dean’s hand then and pushed himself closer to Sam.

Dean sat next to him, still holding him with one hand and the other one went again to Castiel’s hair caressing them gently. Castiel calmed down immediately and closed his eyes.

“It’s gonna be ok,” Dean whispered and squeezed Castiel’s hand. Castiel frowned a bit as the needle pinched him into sensitive place but he didn’t flinch anymore. Dean was holding him the whole time Sam was examining him, which wasn’t that long actually.

When they were done Sam stood up and went with his bags to the kitchen, giving them some privacy. Castiel opened his eyes and looked over Dean, who was smiling at him softly.

“See, you did it, tiger boy.”

Castiel smiled weakly in reply and rest his eyes on Dean’s hand holding his firmly.

“Thank you, Dean,” he said.

“You’re welcome. Try to rest a bit, ok? I’m going to prepare something for a dinner, ok?”

“Dean, I’m not hungry,” Castiel said.

“Yeah right. And I am Hulk.” Dean said sarcastically. “You’re just afraid you’ll throw it up again.”

Castiel lowered his eyes and didn’t say anything.

“Besides. I thought you love my burger à la Dean,” Dean made himself sounded hurt.  
Castiel smiled a bit and said. “I do, Dean.” he closed his eyes and nodded slightly. “Ok. I’ll try to keep it in me.”

“That’s my boy.” Dean smiled and leant forward to place a soft kiss on Castiel’s forehead.

When he pulled away, he lingered for a while above Castiel, examining his look, but then he remembered Sam was in the kitchen and pulled away completely squeezing Castiel’s hand one last time as he stood up and went over the kitchen.

        “When will be results?” Dean asked Sam as they were preparing dinner together in the kitchen.

“I should have it tomorrow evening I hope. It depends on how much work will be in the hospital. But I will call you as soon as I will get them.”

“Ok, thanks, Sammy.”

“Don’t mention it,” Sam patted him on the shoulder as he was passing him over to grab mustard from fridge.

“So how is he, really?” Sam asked then.

“He seems quite fine. I mean, his temperature decreased, he hasn’t vomited for about a day. But then again, he hasn’t eaten anything for about a day and half. And he seems quite depressed from time to time but he doesn’t want to talk about it with me.”

“Right,” Sam nodded frowning. “What about cravings? Does he want more heroin?”

“Not particularly. If he does, he’s not talking about it. He had this little mental seizure like two days ago, but it wasn’t that bad and I have managed to talk him out of it.”

“Good,” Sam bit his lower lip as he nodded again. “But it’ll probably only get worse. It’ll culminate after few days until it subside. And you need to be prepared for anything, Dean.” Sam said solemnly. “He would be willing to do anything just to get doped again. If you won’t stop him and he would get to the drugs again, he would overdose and...”

“Don’t say that,” Dean snapped him. “Just... don’t!”

Dean sighed heavily. “Look, the only heroin left is deep down in that dried well outside. He can’t get to it and there is nobody on miles who could sell him another fix. Plus he doesn’t have money for it. I didn’t gave him his... you know... pay yet.” Dean blushed a bit on last words he said.

“Right, so he didn’t fulfil his obligation yet?” Sam smirked trying to ease the atmosphere.

“Oh, shut your mouth, bitch,” Dean snapped him blushing a bit more. “I’m going get Cas. Prepare the plates, please.”

“As you wish, jerk,” Sam chuckled as he was watching his brother walking away.

        Dean came back with Cas under his arms for a little while and he seated him at the table, sitting next to him. Three of them were eating mostly quietly, enjoying well prepared meal. Sam was watching his brother carefully who was glancing over Castiel frequently with concerned look. Every time Castiel looked over Dean, he smiled at him and grabbed him by the shoulder gently, encouraging him to eat more. After about an hour they have eaten everything and by some miracle Castiel didn’t throw it back out. They were hanging around in the kitchen yet for a while when Castiel started to yawning heavily.

“Time to sleep?” Dean asked smiling at him.

“Dean, you now I can’t,” Castiel started but Dean interrupted him.

“Come on. You’ll be more comfortable in bed.” He helped him stand up and lead him to bed, then came back to kitchen where Sam was cleaning up the dishes.

“You didn’t need to do it,” Dean said.

“Oh come on, man. I see how tired you are. You haven’t slept too much too, did you?”

Dean just lowered his eyes and nodded.

“He’s lucky he has you.” Sam said softly.

Dean looked up at his brother. “I just want him to get better.”

“I know,” Sam nodded. “You still have some sedatives?” he asked suddenly.

“Ehm, yeah. I guess there’s still for one shot.”

“Good. Give it to him tonight. So he would get some proper sleep.”

“Is it safe?” Dean frowned.

“Of course it is. I wouldn’t say it to you if it wouldn’t be.”

“Right, you’re right. I’m just...”

“Too tired?” Sam finished.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“And you get some sleep tonight too, ok?” Sam said firmly.

“Ok, mom.” Dean laughed a bit.

        They finished cleaning up and Sam went back home since he needed to be at work soon at the morning. Dean went over Castiel’s bed who of course wasn’t sleeping and sat silently on the chair next to it, injection in his hand.

“Cas,” he asked softly.

Castiel looked at him and then his eyes glanced over the shot.

“What it is, Dean?” he frowned.

“It’s sedatives. It will help you.” Dean said.

“Dean no,” Castiel demanded urgently. “I don’t want it.”

“But why?” Dean asked. “It will help you sleep.”

“I don’t want it.” Castiel’s voice trailed off. “I don’t want any more drugs.”

          Dean grabbed him by the hand squeezing it comfortingly. “I know, Cas. But this is not a drug. This is medicine. It will help you. Do it for me.”

Castiel stared at him long and solemn and then he nodded. “Ok, Dean.”

Dean nodded too and smiled a bit. He then carefully injected sedatives to Castiel’s arm and placed the empty shot on the bedside table.

Castiel was starring at Dean for quite a while again and Dean found himself lost in the gaze of the other man. “What are you thinking of, Cas?” he asked him after a while, smiling slightly.

“Dean,” Castiel said weakly, “I need to tell you something.”

Dean frowned as he wasn’t sure what is it Castiel found so important to share with him right now. “Sure, go ahead, Cas.” he encouraged him.

“Dean, you’re so good to me,” Castiel said averting his eyes for a while.

“Of course I am,” Dean said cupping Castiel’s cheek. “You’re my friend, Cas. You always will be.”

Castiel’s eyes met with his after this sentence and Dean would swear he saw pain and defeat in them.

“Cas, what’s happening? You know you can talk to me, anytime.” Dean demanded.

“No Dean. It’s nothing.” Castiel’s tone suddenly changed.

“Cas, please. Tell me, what you wanted to.” Dean demanded.

“Will it change anything?” Castiel asked sadly.

“Maybe. I can’t tell until you won’t tell me.” Dean was begging now.

“Dean, I...” Castiel faltered for a while as he felt his eyes started to close slowly and he fell asleep.

Dean sighed heavily and lowered his head. “Dammit!” he cursed.

What was Castiel about to tell him? Was he about to tell he’s sorry? Or was he going to say he loved him? And did Dean love him too? Were those feelings he felt in Castiel’s presence love? Well, of course it was. But did he love him as a friend? Or was it another kind of love?


	11. Chapter 11

        Dean half-opened his eyes, still very much asleep and noticed a dark silhouette of body lying right next to him. He made a little smile and nuzzled into the crook of neck of the man sleeping peacefully by his side. Castiel shifted a bit at the touch but he didn’t even make a sound, not yet he would wake up. He was still deeply asleep, dreaming and thinking about happier things than when he was awake. Dean smiled against Castiel’s neck and pulled his hips closer to other man. He strengthened his embrace against Castiel’s waist and breathed in the soft aroma of his friend’s hair. And then he remembered.

Castiel was his friend. Why was he doing those things with him? Why he couldn’t stop thinking about holding Castiel tight and never let him go, about kissing him on those full soft lips. Why couldn’t he stop thinking about the guy in the way no one thinks about his best friend.

Dean definitely felt something for Castiel. He loved him, of course he did. He was his friend. But did he love him more than as a friend? Was it real love or was it just pity? Wasn’t it that Dean just pitied Castiel for his current state and he just wanted to make him most comfortable as he could? Or was it guilt? It was Dean’s fault that Castiel ended up here after all. Maybe it was all just that horrible guilt and Dean just wanted to make Castiel better. Maybe he was doing all of this just because he wanted Castiel to heal. So he wouldn’t feel guilty anymore. And then what? Will they go their separate ways? Will Dean go back to Boston and he will be hoping Castiel wouldn’t end up on drugs once again?  
Dean didn’t know. He was lost and confused and he had nobody to talk about it. Not that he would, even if he could. He didn’t talk about his feelings. He wasn’t good at it. He rather suppressed them all inside. And so he decided to suppress also this warm and tingling feeling he had every time he got close to his best sick friend.

Dean loosened his embrace on the other man and rolled to his back with intention to soundlessly get up without waking Castiel up. Unfortunately Castiel, though still sleeping, immediately felt the warmth of Dean’s body leaving him and he shifted in disappointment, rolling over to other side.

“Dean,” Castiel murmured, his eyes still closed, as he placed a hand on Dean’s chest leaving Dean wander in those unwilling thoughts once again.

Dean looked over to Castiel and he realised their faces were just inches away. And Dean was lost again. He was starring at that beautiful face, which seemed so calm and peaceful while sleeping. Dean looked carefully over every feature of his friend’s face and he realised how worn out his friend was. This detox seemed to age Castiel about 20 year at least. But still, though shattered and enfeebled, Castiel was still beautiful. Muffled dark hair, alabaster skin, tick eyelashes restlessly moving from one side to another as Castiel was dreaming about something. And then there were those lips. Full perfectly rounded pink lips. Dean could feel Castiel’s warm breath on his as he opened them slightly and a weak moan with his name came out again.

Dean couldn’t help it. He raised a hand to caress Castiel’s cheek and he lightly moved his thumb over Castiel’s bottom lip. How would it feel to kiss them. To feel that radiating heat on Dean’s own lips, even only for a while.

“Dean?” a louder exclaim sounded in Dean’s ears as he snapped to Castiel’s eyes realising Castiel was fully awake starring at him startled as a pray looking at predator.

“Dean what happened?” Castiel asked solemnly and strictly.

Castiel’s look gave Dean cold shower. Castiel was afraid, but he was also tensed. Dean frowned and said solemnly, but quietly: “Nothing happened, Cas. Why?”

And Dean saw the relief in Castiel’s eyes and he felt a stinging pain in his chest. No, Castiel never wanted to kiss him. Dean was just a friend for Castiel. He would go with any other guy on the street but not with Dean. Dean saw it now. Castiel never wanted him. He would be always just a friend. So as a good friend he will help him to get better and then he will leave to live his own solitary life back in that unnecessary spacious apartment back in Boston. And he would forget about those incredibly blue cold eyes looking at him right now. But it wouldn’t matter, because he didn’t love Castiel either. Castiel was just his friend, nothing more.

        “Was, was I asleep?” Castiel asked unsurely.

Dean cleared his throat and sat up on the bottom bunk, so he wouldn’t have to look into those cold blue eyes anymore. “Yes,” he said. “Sam was here yesterday. He checked you up and then I gave you the sedatives and you,” Dean faltered for a while as he remembered the unfinished sentence Castiel said to him last night before he faded, “and you fell asleep.” Dean finished getting out of bed and from the intimidating proximity of his friend.

“Yes,” Castiel said quietly. “I remember now.”

Dean looked over to him, but he didn’t meet with his gaze. He saw Castiel leaning on his side starring down at the pillow where Dean was lying just seconds ago. For a brief moment Dean would swear Castiel seemed sad and he wanted more than anything to hold him tight and comfort him. But he chased away that thought and turned to go to kitchen.

“Hope you like smashed eggs,” Dean shouted back to Castiel didn’t even looking back at him. Castiel didn’t answer. He was yet long starring at the lonely spot beside him and thinking about what he said last night. Or better said, about what he didn’t say.

        Whole day was pretty much the same. Dean and Castiel were hanging around the cabin trying to avoid each other. Castiel was in his bed most of the time, fighting with the urge to take another dose of heroin which became stronger and stronger every day. Dean was sitting on the couch or pacing impatiently around the cabin or he was out pretending he’s working on his car. He wanted to be as far from Castiel as possible but at the same time he long for his touch, for his smile, for his smell. He fought those feelings, trying to bury them inside as deep as he could, because he knew Castiel didn’t feel the same. He saw it this morning and he saw it this whole day when Castiel flinched every time when Dean tried to touch him, when he was avoiding his gaze. When he awkwardly changed the subject every time it seemed they started to talk about what happened last night.

        After few more hours spent outside Dean got hungry so he decided to get back inside and prepare some dinner. As Castiel was sitting at the table along with Dean, he felt the stinging gaze from the other man. He felt very uncomfortable around Dean since this morning. He felt like the weight of the unspoken words fell over him and he couldn’t move. He wanted to shout to the world how much he loves Dean, but he knew Dean didn’t love him back. Not the way he did. Dean was just confused and he felt guilty. He didn’t get much sleep this week either and he was constantly in between those four walls with Castiel. Of course, he acted a bit weird. But he didn’t mean any of it. He just wanted Castiel to feel more comfortable, that was all. At least, that was what Castiel tried to deceive to himself.

“Are you ok, Cas?” Castiel heard familiar worried voice.

“Yes,” he replied quietly. “I am alright.”

“You didn’t touch your food.” Dean insisted.

“I’m not hungry.” Castiel said starring down at his plate of spaghetti.

“You need to eat, Cas.” Dean said strictly. “Look. You haven’t thrown up for a day and half already. If that’s what you afraid of, it’s not gonna happen. You can dig in, Cas.”

Dean put comforting hand on Castiel’s, but he stayed surprised when the other man pulled away quickly.

“Cas, what’s going on?” Dean demanded standing up and kneeling next to him.

“Nothing. I said I’m not hungry.” Castiel replied still not looking into Dean’s eyes.

“You know that’s not what I’m talking about,” Dean said as he placed a hand under Castiel’s chin to force him to look at him. Castiel, however, pulled away again and he quickly stood up clumsily making his way towards the bed.

Dean didn’t wait long as he stood up too and easily caught up with Castiel, forcing him to stop with one hand around his shoulder. “Dammit, Cas. Talk to me! What’s going on? You’ve ... you’ve been weird since this morning. What... what happened?”

“You,” Castiel said almost inaudibly looking to the ground.

“What?” Dean exclaimed.

“It’s you,” Castiel replied. “You shouldn’t be here. I... I don’t need your help anymore. You should have never come. It’s only worse now. I... I can’t do this, Dean. I can’t be here with you pretending like nothing is happening. I can’t fight this feeling any longer.” Castiel was bursting out one sentence after another not thinking about what he’s saying actually, as he felt warm tears streaming down his face. But he didn’t care. He didn’t care anymore. He couldn’t hold it back.

“Cas, do you... do you love me?” Dean asked unsurely looking over his friend, afraid to even slightly touch him, although all he wanted right now was embrace him tightly and make him better.

“Yes,” Castiel first since the dinner fully looked at Dean through his watery eyes. “I do.”

“Cas,” Dean said weakly holding out a hand towards him but not daring to touch him. “Is it. Is it what you wanted to say last night?”

“It doesn’t matter anyway.” Castiel snapped turning around to go to bed. “You can leave me now, Dean.”

Dean grabbed him tight by the shoulder and turned him to face him once again. “What are you saying, Cas. Why wouldn’t it matter?”

“Because,” Castiel swallowed hard as he was about to say those words out loud. “Because you don’t love me back.”

“But I do. I love you, Cas. You are my friend.” Dean said before he could think about it and he saw the unbearable pain mirrored in his friend’s eyes.

“You know that’s not how I meant it, Dean.” Castiel said weakly looking at the ground again.

“What do you want me to say?” Dean asked.

“Do you,” Castiel paused because he was afraid of the truth, though he knew it already. He was afraid of hearing it from Dean himself. “Do you really love me, Dean?”

Dean faltered. He wanted to burst out yes, but something stopped him – doubts. He wasn’t really sure, if what he felt was love, or just guilt. Or any other emotion. He loved Castiel as a friend. But asking him, if he loved him truly, he just couldn’t find the right answer.

“I... I don’t know,” Dean answered frankly.

Castiel nodded slowly and turned to go to bed. “Please, leave me alone, Dean.”

Dean wanted to say something, to do something, but he knew the best thing he could do now was to comply with Castiel’s wish. Castiel clearly didn’t want to see him now, so Dean decided to take a little walk to his favourite lake where he could think about this whole messy situation.

        “Hey Sammy,” Dean said as he picked up his phone. He was sitting on the pier at his favourite lake which blueness reminded him one’s cold eyes.

“Hey there. How’s it going?” Sam’s voice sounded from the other line.

“Nah. Not very good,” Dean sighed heavily.

“What do you mean?” Dean could feel his brother frowning. He sighed and took a deep breath. It was pointless lying to his brother. He probably knew it either way already.

“It’s Cas. He... he said he loves me.”

There was a moment of silence on the other line when Sam’s voice finally sounded. “He finally got it out of himself.”

“What?” Dean exclaimed. “You knew?”

“Of course I knew. I saw how he’s looking at you, Dean. How he always did. He adored you since the day first.”

“He did?” Dean’s heart felt heavy and broken.

“Yes. Everybody saw it. Even Crowley did. The only person who was blind against it was you, Dean.”

“I,” Dean tried to say something but his words got stuck in his throat.

“Don’t say it to me, Dean.” Sam snapped him as gently as he knew. “Say it to him.”

“But I don’t know if I love him. I mean. I do. He is my friend. But... I just don’t know,” Dean tried to fight back the tears which started to form in his eyes.

“Well, you should figure it out as soon as possible, Dean. He will not wait for you forever. By the way, his results came clean. His healthy, at least as much as he could be in the state he is.”

Dean nodded. He felt at least a bit of a relief for his sick friend, but still that heavy stone of guilt burdened his shoulders and he didn’t know how to get rid of it.

        Castiel was lying on his bed, dry tracks of former tears covering his cheeks. He was lying on his side looking at the wall contemplated in his thoughts. He wished he could take another shot of heroin and he could end it all. Only thing that kept him alive during those past few years was a thought Dean is somewhere there, happy. But now he was here, with him, watching him die inside slowly. Castiel heard the soft footsteps making his way slowly toward the bed. They stopped next to it and Castiel felt the tensed presence of Dean behind his back.

“If you don’t have anything to tell me, I want to be alone,” Castiel snapped. He regretted his words as soon as he said it out but he really didn’t want to see Dean now. Actually he wished he would never see him again. He ruined everything with telling Dean how he felt. Their friendship would never be the same. Dean would never look at him the same. He only wished he could die physically, because emotionally he was dead a long time ago. Castiel felt the lingering hand over his shoulder, but he didn’t turn to look at Dean. He was afraid if he do it he wouldn’t be able to do what he decided to do. Castiel heard the soft footsteps again as they were receding from him and he closed his eyes waiting patiently while his friend will fall asleep on the couch.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, here you go ... big plot twist ... nah, just kidding - I mean, it is probably plot twist, but it's not really that big, or well written IMHO .... anyways, you decide ... and trust me, it will get worse (I mean the plot twist, not the writting - at least I hope, lol).
> 
> Now seriously. This was my first sex scene ever written. And I really suck at sex scenes, so it's not really that good written. In case you wonder why I usually write fluff, this is the reason :D

        When Dean suddenly woke up to clamorous noise it was still dark outside. He rubbed his eyes to get rid of last signs of sleep and looked over the cabin in attempt to find the source of the odd noise which woke him up. When he got used to dark he noticed a dark silhouette standing in front of the kitchen cabinet, which contents were all over the floor. Dean immediately stood up, making his way to the dark figure indifferently standing in the middle of the small kitchen.

“What the hell are you doing, Cas?” Dean exclaimed as he reached the other man.

“That’s none of your business,” Castiel snapped not even looking at him.

“Dammit, Cas. What the hell?” Dean snapped back at him but Castiel didn’t pay attention to him, still looking for something in the kitchen cabinets.

“What are you looking for?” Dean asked frowning.

“A rope.” Castiel replied strictly.

“A rope? What for?” Dean was getting worried.

“So I can get to heroin.”

“What?” Dean exclaimed. “You’re... you’re planning to jump to that well? Did you go nuts, Cas?”

“I don’t know. You tell me.” Castiel said as he straightened up and faced Dean.

Dean furrowed his eyebrows and looked over his friend. “What is happening, Cas? What have you become?”

“Me?” Castiel huffed. “I’m sorry, but I’m not the one who gave the other the ultimatum. I wasn’t the one who left.”

Those words stabbed Dean in heart like a sharp dagger. “I know. And I’m sorry, Cas. I... I didn’t know what I was doing. I have never wanted to leave.”

“But still you did. So why have you come back? Why have you decided to help me suddenly? I was content with the life I was leading. Why have you come and turned everything inside out?”

“Why?” Dean sighed heavily. “You really don’t know, Cas?” He looked at the other man straight in the eyes seeing drops of tears forming in their corners. “Because I cared. And I still do. And I will not let you go there.”

“Very well then,” Castiel swallowed, fighting back his tears. “Give me your car keys then.”

“What for?” Dean frowned.

“I’m going back to town.” Castiel growled.

“You don’t know how to drive.” Dean corrected him.

“In that case, I will walk there,” Castiel turned on his heels and headed to the door.

“Cas, wait,” Dean tried to stop him but Castiel was decided.

“Give me one good reason why,” he said as he stopped in front of door waiting a while for Dean’s response.

        When it didn’t come he nodded. “I thought so,” and hold his hand to open the door when suddenly a strong hand grabbed him by the arm and turned him forcefully around. Castiel suddenly felt the soft wet lips on his own and he stayed paralyzed in shock for a while. After few seconds however, he leant into the kiss letting Dean to slide his tongue into his mouth, dancing playfully with his. Castiel grabbed Dean by his hips and forced him closer to his aching body. He needed this. Needed this more than drugs. Or did he? Dean was his drug after all. He couldn’t live with him, but life without him was even worse. He longed for this for too long – for Dean’s touch, for Dean’s kiss. He always pictured how it would be to kiss him, but he never dreamt it would be so ecstatic. Their tongues were dancing in the passionate whirl and their hands were exploring every inch of the other man’s body as they were finally where they wanted to be for so long.

“Dean,” Castiel breathed out when they broke their kiss to get some air. Dean looked at him, eyes full of lust and passion as he smiled slightly.

“What is it, Cas?” he asked as he placed another soft kiss on Castiel’s jaw.

“Oh, Dean,” Castiel moaned as he felt Dean’s hips thrusting into his, making the friction against their hardening cocks. “Dean,” Castiel couldn’t say more as Dean was placing little soft kisses all over his neck leading him slowly back to bed. When they were almost there Dean stumbled and fell on the bed pulling Castiel down on himself as he went. Dean immediately turned them over so he was on top of Castiel, looking into those ocean blue eyes again.

“You don’t need to do this, Dean.” Castiel breathed out with those perfectly rounded lips.

Dean didn’t answer. He knew better. If he didn’t do something, Castiel would leave and he would probably get more heroin and he would probably die. And it would all be Dean’s fault. No, he couldn’t let this happen. Sam warned him he will have to do _anything_ to get Castiel away from drugs. And Dean was willing to do it – just to save his friend.

“What do you mean?” Dean asked, grinning cheekily as he sucked on Castiel’s ear lobe.  
Castiel moaned heavily and it made Dean grinned even wider. “You,” Castiel breathed out trying to get some air as he was already panting heavily under Dean’s radiating body, “you don’t need to have sex with me, Dean.”

Dean positioned himself on top of Castiel so he could look into his friend’s eyes once again and stopped for a while. He gently cupped Castiel’s cheek and said softly, looking straight into those beautifully blue eyes. “And I don’t want to, Cas.”

        Dean leant over Castiel even more so his lips were only inches away from Castiel’s. He felt the warm Castiel’s breath on his own lips and closing his eyes he breathed in his friend’s scent. Dean opened his eyes again and met with two anticipating wide ones. He smiled softly and said so quietly, only Castiel could hear him: “I want to make love to you.” And he placed another kiss on Castiel’s mouth. This time, however, it was softer and deeper kiss then those before. Dean gave everything into this kiss. He gave every piece of love for his friend in it, every memory of happy times spend together, every skip of heart he felt every time he touched him. He gave his heart and soul in it and when Dean leant back to get some air he saw those two blue eyes opening up slowly and staring at him again. This time, however, they were full of life, full of love, of understanding – of happiness. Castiel – Dean’s friend – was finally happy. Dean was the only one who could make him happy. So why wouldn’t he?

Dean slowly placed his hands over Castiel’s shirt and looked at his friend in approval. He noticed two curious eyes watching him intensively awaiting his every move. Dean leant over Castiel and placed another small kiss on his lips. Castiel moaned slightly when he felt the heat of Dean’s lips leaving him, but he didn’t opened his eyes this time. He let them closed letting himself faded away by the intense action between him and the only person he ever truly loved.

Dean opened up Castiel’s shirt slowly, revealing his bruised upper body. His heart ached when he saw the old bruises covering his friend’s torso and abdomen. He gently ran a hand over Castiel’s chest following it with his gaze. When he reached Castiel’s neck he stopped his movements and looked into Castiel eyes. He was looking at him fully now, his eyes darker as they reflected the shadow of pain from the unwanted memories. Dean leant over Castiel again and caressed his cheek. He placed a soft loving kiss on his full lips and whispered against them, eyes still closed: “Don’t worry Cas. I’ll take care of you. No one will ever hurt you again.”

Dean started to place a small soft kisses all over Castiel’s neck until he came to the place the first bruise was revealing itself. Dean faltered a bit and looked over Castiel one more time only to see the complete devotion in his friend’s eyes. He placed a gentle kiss on the bruised collar bone and continued to caress every inch of Castiel’s aching body with his lips. He gently placed one small kiss after another on every single bruise Castiel’s body was covered with and he felt Castiel relaxing under him. He trusted him – after a long time he trusted him again. He believed Dean would get him over this and he will make him happy. And Dean didn’t want to disappoint his friend.

        Castiel moaned heavily again as Dean got over his lower abdomen and was placing soft kisses in the immediate proximity of his hard cock. He thrust his hips a bit, desperate for some friction, but Dean didn’t want it to be over so soon. He wanted to take his time, to make it unforgettable for Castiel and for him too. He placed the last small kiss on the last Castiel’s bruise and pulled up a bit, sighing slightly at the sight of Castiel’s crotch and at the tight feeling in his own pants. He slowly unfastened Castiel’s belt making Castiel twirl under him.

“Dean, please,” Castiel begged.

“Shhh,” Dean shut him down with another short kiss on the mouth. He got back to Castiel’s trousers then unzipping them and sliding them down carefully so it would make a friction against Castiel’s hard cock. Castiel moaned heavily as he felt the cloth of his boxers rubbing against his cock and he felt the cold night breeze making its way to him.

Dean stayed looking at the fully exposed Castiel’s body for a while as he was sitting on top of him. He seemed so gentle and fragile but at the same time so old and worn out.

“Dean?” he heard Castiel’s voice sounding from not far. “What’s happening?”

“Nothing, Cas,” Dean said as he looked to his friend’s eyes and smiled softly. He leant over then and whispered against his lips: “You’re beautiful.”

Dean placed a full loving kiss on Castiel lips, their tongues joining once again in familiar unison. He felt Castiel moan in his mouth as he placed his warm hand on Castiel’s hard on grabbing it tightly and starting to stroke it gently.

“Dean,” Castiel sighed when they parted out. He was panting heavily already, his eyes full of lust, as he was letting himself drifted away by the ecstatic feeling Dean’s touches gave him.

Castiel’s hands went over Dean’s hips moving them closer to his as he bucked his hips towards Dean’s. He wanted to feel him as close as possible, he needed him to. He pulled Dean’s pants down quickly and grabbed his hard cock in his long fingered hand. Dean moaned loudly as he felt the touch and thrust his hips into Castiel’s trying to touch him by every inch of his body.

“Cas,” Dean breathed out as he was stroking Castiel’s length, feeling the other man doing the same with his.

“Dean,” Castiel said in answer leaning forward to steal another kiss from Dean’s lips.

“Dean, please,” Castiel said as he looked over his friends eyes.

Dean looked at him smiling softly and nodded. “Don’t worry Cas, I’ve got you.”

        Dean let go of Castiel’s shaft and position himself over Castiel’s hips. He glanced quickly over his friend as the thought spread across his mind. He lowered himself a bit and sooner than Castiel could realise Dean’s mouth enveloped Castiel’s hard cock fully, sucking it eagerly.

“Oh, Dean!” Castiel exclaimed as he bucked his hips up again. He couldn’t control it. He was moving in the rhythm with Dean’s mouth, his hands roaming against Dean’s back.

“Dean I. I can’t hold off any longer,” Castiel cried out loud as he felt the blood gathered in his member. He moaned in displeasure as he felt Dean’s mouth leaving it suddenly, frowning a bit at the action of his friend.

“Not yet, my friend,” Dean whispered against his ear as he leaned in and sucked his earlobe again, collecting the precome from his cock. He lubed his two fingers and leaned in to place one last comforting kiss on Castiel lips before he slid inside with one finger. Castiel groaned a bit from pain as his whole body was still aching from detoxication, but he relaxed when he felt Dean’s tight grip over him and his warm breath over his skin whispering almost inaudibly: “I’m here, Cas. I always will be.”

“Dean,” Castiel whispered tilting his head back as he felt Dean slowly and carefully thrusting his finger inside him spreading him wide.

“Oh, Dean,” he exclaimed as he felt the other finger joined the first, scissoring him inside, hitting the sensitive spot.

“Don’t worry, Cas,” Dean replied, eyes closed as he kissed him lovingly again, “I’m here.”

“Dean,” Castiel’s voice was more urgent than usual as he looked into Dean’s eyes. “I’m ready,” he said. Dean swallowed hard as he wasn’t able to say anything, just nodded. He pulled his fingers out of Castiel and frowned a bit as he realised he wasn’t that much prepared as he thought.

“I don’t have a lube,” Dean shook his head.

“Well then,” Castiel smiled cheekily grabbing Dean by the shoulder and turning him so he was on top leaving surprised Dean gasping for air and frowning slightly at him, “I will have to take care of it,” he said as he slid down Dean’s chest leaving a wet hasty trail along his body. He stopped for a while above Dean’s shaft, stroking gently his inner tights.

“Cas, please, do something,” Dean begged as he was desperate for any action.

Castiel just smiled and leaned in licking whole length of Dean’s cock at once, making him squirm under him. He took the head of Dean’s cock into his mouth hearing Dean moaning loudly somewhere under him, licking it and teasing it professionally. Dean wondered briefly how practised Castiel was and to how many other guys he was doing this, but he chased away this thought pretty quickly, reminding himself only here and now was important. And here and now, Castiel was all his.

Castiel suddenly took the whole length of Dean’s member in his mouth and every last parts of any thought were banished from Dean’s mind as he was embraced by the ecstatic feeling of Castiel’s mouth.

“Oh God,” Dean moaned as Castiel was continuing to suck him hard, leaving his cock all wet and throbbing with anticipation. And just when Dean felt like he was going to come Castiel’s mouth left and was replaced by his hand rubbing his precome on his already wet cock.

        When he was finished he looked at Dean lovingly, kissing him slightly on the mouth. Dean turned them over again so Castiel was again on the bottom, parting their lips again in attempt to look to his friend’s eyes.

“It will hurt,” Dean warned him but Castiel shushed him with another kiss.

“I don’t care,” he whispered, “I want you, Dean. I need you.”

Dean kissed Castiel fully to distract him from possible pain as he slid inside him as gentle and smooth as he could. He however was met with a muted groan of pain as their kiss continued and he shifted his one hand to Castiel cock stroking it hard to distract him from pain he was bringing him.

Dean pushed few times until he was fully inside, stroking Castiel’s member along the way, never leaving his lips. The sounds of pain slowly turned into sounds of pleasure as Dean found his rhythm and was slowly thrusting into Castiel, making his hips thrust back in unison.

“Oh, Dean,” Castiel cried out as Dean hit the sensitive spot again. “Dean I,” Castiel breathed heavily, “I love you.” he exclaimed but felt the inexpressible urge to take it back right away as he knew he won’t hear it back from Dean. And Dean wanted to say it back. He wanted to shout it to the whole world, but he couldn’t make himself to. Instead he kissed Castiel again making him pushed the thought of Dean never loving him back away, as they were moving in perfect rhythm with their bodies.

         It was not long after this when they came together, impossible to endure the tension built in their bodies anymore. They came shouting each other’s name, placing a soft kisses all over the other faces, their breaths short and eyes closed.

They collapsed on the bed next to each other, not letting go of themselves. They stayed like that for a long time, not minding anything around. The world didn’t exist for them in this moment. They didn’t care about their problems right now, they forgot about Castiel’s state, about old shabby cabin they were in, about the leftovers of heroin in dry well behind the cabin, about their fight. All they cared about now was that they had each other and they were happy for the time being.

        Dean caressed Castiel’s hair softly, as the other man was lying on his chest breathing soundlessly. He was sleeping. After a long time he was sleeping calmly without a help of sedatives or any other drugs. Dean smiled and placed a soft kiss on Castiel’s hair. Castiel was better, he was happy. Dean made him happy. And that made Dean happy too.  
  



	13. Chapter 13

        When Dean woke up in the morning the sudden feeling of fear wrapped around his heart and his stomach tightened painfully. Castiel wasn’t lying next to him.  
Dean snapped out of bed not minding the fact he was still fully naked. He didn’t mind anything right now. All he wanted was to make sure Castiel was safe and alright. But how? Where should he go?

Dean’s stomach tightened even more when he remembered last night’s fight. Was Castiel only acting it all the time? Did he only want to distract Dean so he could get to heroin? Was all he said just a lie? Dean’s heart ached painfully when he came across those thoughts. Thoughts Castiel didn’t mean it, that he didn’t care, that he didn’t love him.

But he couldn’t know if it was true. Not until he find him. All Dean knew was that if something happened to Castiel, he would die. He put some clothes on quickly and was about to ran out of the cabin shouting Castiel’s name to cold morning breeze when he noticed an imperceptible sound of dripping water coming out of bathroom. He got closer to bathroom door and found out he wasn’t mistaken. Dean sighed in relief as he found out Castiel was inside simply taking a shower. He was alright and safe. Dean laughed a bit on his paranoia and came back to the couch while he was waiting for Castiel to come back.

        It wasn’t long when Dean heard the soft footsteps making its way towards him and when he looked up he saw Castiel in his favourite clothes looking down at him solemnly.

“Morning, sunshine,” Dean smirked looking over Castiel thinking about how good he looked in his clothes. Not long after Dean drifted to think about how good would those clothes look on the floor rather than on Castiel, when a gravely gruff voice thrown him back to reality: “Dean.”

Dean’s smirk disappeared as soon as he saw the stern look on Castiel’s face.

“Everything’s fine, Cas?” he asked worriedly.

“Yes.” Castiel replied strictly. “Can we go back to town now?”

Dean stayed completely shocked. He definitely didn’t expect this reaction. Not after what happened last night.

“Ehm. No breakfast?” Dean asked unsurely.

“No, thank you. I’m fine. Just... just take me back.” Castiel said still with that cold solemn look on his face.

Dean frowned deeply but decided not to question Castiel’s decision. He didn’t want to fight again, so he rather stood up and wrapped up that few things they brought with them back into duffel back.

        The ride back was deadly silent. Only the motor of Impala sounded in the ears of two men sitting in the front seats. Dean was too concerned to even listen to music. He was hardly paying attention to road as he was constantly glancing over Castiel thinking about his strange behaviour. He didn’t understand it. Castiel seemed so happy last night. Dean made him happy. He thought everything was in perfect order – first time in the long time. And yet, somehow it wasn’t. If he just said what was bothering him. But Castiel was just quietly starring out of his window not making eye contact with Dean the entire time.

        After they reached town Dean immediately turned to his and Sam’s apartment. Sam was at work so the apartment was empty and quiet right now. Just like the atmosphere between Dean and Castiel. Dean walked in letting door opened for Castiel to do the same. He heard the soft footsteps not long after, but he didn’t turn around. He stayed silently backing Castiel, rethinking about what he was about to do.

“You have somewhere to go, Cas?” Dean asked quietly looking at the couch in front of him, memories flashing in his mind.

“No. Not really.” Castiel answered almost inaudibly.

Dean turned to face his friend, hope and anticipation both mixed in his eyes as he spoke:  
“Well, I was thinking.” he took a little key out of his pocket and handed it to Castiel. “You can stay here, with me... and Sam. If you want to.”

Castiel took the key unsurely and looked over it carefully. After few moments of silence he said handing it back to Dean looking down to ground: “I don’t think that’s good idea, Dean.”

“Just keep it,” Dean insisted. “If you change your mind.”

Castiel looked at him shortly and Dean saw tears forming in his eyes. He was about to ask what happened when his phone rang. Dean took it out of his pocket and looked at ID. It was from work.

“You should take it,” Castiel said quietly looking at the ground again.

“It... it can wait,” Dean said as he rejected the caller. “Look, Cas. If you don’t want to stay here, take these,” he said as he handed him a pile of money. “It will help you to start over.”

“Dean, I don’t want your charity.” Castiel shook his head.

“No, it’s not. It’s yours. I mean. You know. I promised it to you.”

Castiel looked at him quizzically and furrowed his eyebrows as he tried to pick up what Dean was talking about.

“I mean, you know. It was yours... you know, ehm, payment for a week... so... it’s yours I guess.”

Castiel eyes widened in understanding and Dean saw the flash of betrayal in them right after that.

“Dammit, no!” Dean exclaimed. “I didn’t mean it like that, Cas!” he tried to reach for the guy but Castiel flinched immediately.

“Dean,” he said his eyes full of tears as he didn’t try to fight them anymore. “Did you... did you sleep with me just to distract me from getting heroin?”

Dean stood there completely shocked. “What? Why would you think that, Cas?”

“Why wouldn’t I? You don’t love me, so why else would you do that?” Castiel’s cheeks were now fully covered in tears.

Dean was about to say something when the phone in kitchen rang. “Dammit!” he cursed. “Wait here, Cas!” he said towards Castiel as he made his way to the kitchen.

“Yeah?” he snapped as he took it up.

“Dean, it’s Pamela. Why aren’t you picking up your phone?” the voice in the phone sounded.

“Pam. I’m... I´m in the middle of something right now.” Dean said running a hand across his hair.

“Yeah. Like in the middle of losing your job.”

“What?” Dean exclaimed. “What do you mean?”

“What do I mean? I mean you hardly said anything and left the Boston and didn’t show up in work for about a week? What are you thinking, Dean? I mean, yes, you’re good and we want you. But you are replaceable.”

“What do you want me to do?”

“What about you come here to my office now and we can talk about it?”

Dean sighed desperately. “You always know when to call, Pam. Ok, be there in 10.” he hung up and ran a hand through his face leaning against the wall. He didn’t know what to do. What to do with Pam, with Cas. He thought everything was perfect. He was happy and he wanted to go back. Back to that moment few hours ago when everything was beautiful and nothing mattered. Because he had Castiel.

        Dean walked out of kitchen just to see the living room was empty front door opened and Castiel nowhere to be found.

“Dammit, Cas!” Dean cursed in the air as he slid down on the couch. He couldn’t bear the thought of losing him again. But he had absolutely no clue where he could go. Only thing he could do right now was to go see Pamela. So he stood up and marched from the apartment not noticing missing pile of money for Castiel he left lying on the coffee table.

        “Hey, Dean. Are you alright? You look terrible.” Pamela invited him with her so typical frankness.

“Thank you, Pam. Open-hearted as always, huh?” Dean smirked a bit but a smile vanished from his face quickly. “No, I’m not the best, Pam.” He admitted collapsing down on the leather armchair.

“What happened, Dean?” Pamela asked concerned.

“It’s just. I was helping an old friend. And it didn’t turn out as good as I thought it would.”

“Dean, look. I can make a few phone calls. I mean, they are pissed on you upstairs for vanishing like that for a week. But as I said, they really want you, they will not let you leave just like that.”

“It doesn’t matter anymore, Pam,” Dean sighed, his face in his hands.

“What do you mean, Dean?” Pamela’s brows furrowed.

“I mean I don’t know how this damn messy situation will end up, but either way I’m not going back to Boston.”

“But Dean...” she started.

“No,” Dean snapped her. “I have left once. I’m not going to do it again. I will not leave him again. Pam,” Dean said standing up, decided: “You may fire me completely or accept my request to come work back here.”

“Don’t you want to think over it for a while?” Pamela asked him a bit shocked.

“No. I have been thinking about it too much. I can’t rethinking it forever. It’s time to act.”

With that Dean turned around and walked out of the room leaving surprised Pamela behind him.

        Dean decided. He needed to find Castiel. He needed to tell him how he felt. How he felt all that damn time. He was just afraid to admit it. Afraid to be happy. But not anymore. He was prepared. Prepared to say those three simple words. Prepared to give everything for the only person in the world. And he felt perfectly comfortable with doing it. All he needed to do now was to find Castiel.

Unfortunately, it sounded easier than it was. Dean drove over whole town three times, he went to ask to Castiel former patch, he went over the hospitals, just for sure, but Castiel was nowhere to be found. After what felt like eternity, when the sun was already setting down Dean just gave up. He didn’t want to, but he finally admitted it was pointless. He wasn’t able to find Castiel like this. He drove back to his apartment seeing the dim light turned on in the bedroom as he was parking in front of the building. He checked his watches but it was too soon for Sam to be home. Mixed feeling of hope and fear filled Dean’s heart as he approached the apartment.

He opened the door quietly and walked in. The apartment was quiet and dark. Only a weak light from bedside lamp filtered through the half closed door of Dean’s bedroom. Dean approached the door slowly, the fear in his heart growing with every step he took. He wasn’t sure he was prepared for what he could witness.

Dean opened the door slowly and saw the motionless half naked body of Castiel on his bed, his chest rising irregularly, the used shot lying next to him on the other side of bed.

“Cas, you child!” Dean exclaimed. “What have you done?” Dean rushed to the bed but he stopped midway as he saw the fear in Castiel’s eyes who was now looking at him fully, trying to get to sitting position.

“Go away!” Castiel shouted.

“Cas, please. Let me help you!” Dean begged approaching him slowly not wanting him to get him more scared.

“No. You’re... you’re dead!” Castiel shouted with watery eyes.

“What? Cas what are you talking about?” Dean didn’t understand.

“That’s not possible!” Castiel exclaimed. “I... I killed you!”

“Cas. It’s me, Dean.” Dean said, his voice shaking as he reached his friend and took him in his arms. “What have you done, Cas?”

“No,” Castiel tried to fight Dean, but he didn’t have the strength. “You’re dead.”

“Cas. Look at me.” Dean demanded as he took Castiel’s head in his hands. “I’m Dean. I’m your friend. I’m here. And I’m not letting anyone to hurt you again, understand?”

“Dean?” Castiel asked almost inaudibly looking like he noticed Dean just seconds ago.

“Yes,” Dean nodded smiling slightly through watering eyes. “It’s alright, Cas. It will be good again.” he said as he embraced him tightly letting the tears falling down his cheeks.

Castiel seemed to calm down a bit, as he was quietly sobbing in Dean’s arm. When Dean pulled away to look at him, however, he noticed the blank look in Castiel’s eyes.

“Dean,” was everything Castiel was managed to say when his body started to shake uncontrollably suddenly.

“Cas?” Dean exclaimed. “Cas what’s happening?”

But Castiel wasn’t able to reply anymore. His whole body was twisting and twitching all over the bed, his eyes went blank and rolled up, the cold sweat burst on Castiel’s forehead. Dean tried to do something, to calm him down, but he failed. As soon as he realised he is no help here he dialled 911 and called the ambulance.

“Cas, please,” he turned back to his friend when he threw his phone to the ground after hanging up.

But Castiel’s body was lying unconsciously again without any sign of life in it.

“No, Cas, please,” Dean cried over him, placing his tears covered face on top of Castiel’s motionless chest.

“Cas, don’t do this to me,” Dean begged sobbing on his friend’s bruised naked chest.

“Cas,” Dean swallowed hard as he looked at his friend’s pale lifeless face once again, cupping his cheek with one hand, the other sliding to Castiel’s hand squeezing it comfortably as during those long sleepless nights in the cabin not that long ago.

“I love you Cas. You hear me? I love you.” Dean said almost inaudibly as his strength was leaving him too along with the only person he've ever truly loved.


	14. Chapter 14

           Cold night’s air from loosened door chilled Dean on the back of his neck. His body was aching and sore from the exhaustion and he was constantly fighting to keep his eyes opened. He was staring on the perfectly clean hospital white linoleum under his feet, numb to all the noises around him. He long forgot the uncomfortable red plastic chair he was sitting on for God knows how long. All he could think about was that horrified moment when he felt Castiel lay still under him on the bed back in Dean’s apartment and the silence which fell over the room in that moment. He recollected with perfect details the sound of his heart beating in his chest widely as if it wanted to jump out. That horrible pain when he took Castiel in his arms and didn’t feel anything – no warmth, no breath, no life. And he felt like the life was leaving him too. He felt like he wasn’t there, on the bed with Castiel. He felt like he was watching the whole scene from afar. He saw himself hovering over motionless body of his friend and heard the muffled sound of crying man, his face plastered in the crook of the neck of that beautiful fragile creature lying on the bed. And then he heard it. He heard himself saying those words. Those three simple words which brought a shot of pain and guilt into his heart. I love you. Why, oh why was he just that stupid not saying those damn words earlier. Why he wasn’t able to say it? What was he afraid of? That Castiel would hurt him, that he would leave him? That he wouldn’t make him happy? He was incredible idiot and he knew it. He only wished he could turn back the time and say those three simple words the first time Castiel declared to him. Because he did, he did love the guy. He was just afraid to admit it. Not so in front of Castiel than in front of himself. But he was sure now. He was prepared to say it, prepared to say it forever and endlessly. But he was afraid it might have been too late.

“Here, take this,” Dean heard a sudden voice sounded near him and when he looked up he saw a giant hand handing him a cup of hot coffee. He gladly accepted it looking up a bit more and smiling slightly at his little brother. “Thanks.”

“So you haven’t changed your mind?” Sam asked sipping out of his own coffee. Dean looked at him with his tired eyes, his gaze puzzled.

“You’re not going to call it off and go home?”

“No.” Dean said weakly but resolutely.

“Dean, you were here whole night and day. You can’t stay here forever.”

“I’m not leaving before I see him.” Dean snapped angrily making his point. “I’m sorry, Sam,” he apologized after that, sighting heavily.

“I’m just... a bit stressed, that’s all.” he said running a hand through his eyes to rub the sleep off.

“I understand,” Sam said sympathetically. “It’s just. You may not like what you will see, Dean.”

“I don’t care. I...” Dean’s voice broke and he angrily wiped the tears which started flooding his face but eventually he stopped caring about them either and let them just trail down his chin and drop to the white cold linoleum. “I just need to see him. Need to say I love him one more time, Sammy,” Dean said quietly with his head bowed down between his shoulders.

Dean felt a warm tight grip on his shoulder and heard Sam’s reassuring voice: “I’ll see what I can do.”

“What, what the hell even happened back there?” Dean managed to choke out his question suddenly. Sam sighed and sat next to him letting the plastic chair crinkled under his weight.

“It happens sometimes during the withdrawal.” he said strictly. “Especially when one don’t take a shot for a long time. Then he may take more than usual and it may lead to chain reaction like you have seen. It would cause terrible cramps, even hallucinations.” Sam paused for a while, “eventually it may also lead to death.”

Dean took a long breath trying to comprehend all he was just said. The cramps, the hallucinations – yes, it was all there.

“So who did Cas saw?” Dean said mostly for himself but Sam’s sharp ears caught his question.

“I don’t know,” he answered, his voice low almost a whisper. “Guess you’d need to ask him.”

Dean shivered at the thought of seeing Castiel now. Of course he wanted to see him, he wanted to apologize, to say he loved him, he wanted something. But he wasn’t sure he was prepared for that. He didn’t know how it would go, how would he start or even what would he say. So he stayed there sitting in the perfect silence with his little brother, disturbed only by the hospital noises, sipping slowly his coffee.

After what felt like eternity but was probably just few minutes Sam stated his break was over and then he needed to go back to work.

“I’m here for you, don’t forget that, Dean.” he said when he stood up and clapped Dean on the shoulder reassuringly few more times. Dean nodded slowly not looking up at his brother. He was too weak to do anything right now. So he just heard Sam’s footsteps fading away as he was leaving him to do his nurse stuff as he was looking down getting hypnotized by the whiteness of the linoleum under his feet. And there they were, two empty and cold blue eyes burned into Dean’s retinas. No matter where he looked, no matter if he closed his eyes, he still saw the vision of his friend’s eyes opened wide looking up at ceiling of Dean’s bedroom as if they wanted to say one last prayer to the man upstairs.  
It was maybe hour or two later when Dean walked into unpleasant dark cold hospital room but he felt like he has been waiting all his lifetime. Waiting for this one moment to remedy himself.

        He slowly made his way to the bed where the dark motionless silhouette of men was lying still. Dean faltered for a while as he was approaching the man, but his will to touch Castiel again, to feel him again won. He stepped over the bed and sat on another uncomfortable plastic hospital chair. The man’s eyes were closed, his hands placed over the covers peacefully. He seemed so relaxed and calm Dean would thought there wasn’t anything with him. Only exception was his sickly pale skin which in the dark of the room looked even more ghostly. But Dean knew better. He knew, because he was responsible for Castiel’s current state. And he hated himself for that. He tried and pushed the feeling of guilt deeper as he hesitantly took Castiel’s hand in his own. It was cold and shot of chill ran through Dean’s arm but he didn’t let go. He didn’t want to let go. Not this time, not anymore. He was willing to sit next to his friend’s side for eternity for all he cared. No, he wasn’t going anywhere in near future. He squeezed the smaller man’s hand reassuringly and placed his head next to Castiel’s chest on the free space on the bed.

        Dean woke up to the slight almost unnoticeable pressure on his hand. He opened his eyes and he saw the same cold dark hospital room. He blinked away the rest of sleep and moved his head a bit to look over his hand. As he moved however, he felt a shot of pain in his neck from the uncomfortable position he fell asleep; but he didn’t care. And then he felt that pressure again. And it was in this moment when he realised what it was. His hand, still in the tight grip of Castiel’s has been squeezed periodically. Castiel was squeezing his hand.

Dean turned his head to another side and he immediately forgot about even the last sensation of pain he was paying attention to yet. Because what he saw couldn’t make him care about anything else. Castiel was wide awake, smiling slightly at him. His eyes still tired and swollen from the exhaustion but he was alive and that was the most important thing right now.

Dean’s heart skipped two beats in a row as he smiled back at Castiel and squeezed his hand again, comfortingly.

“Hey there, sunshine,” Dean felt the warmth of tears trailing down his cheeks, but he didn’t bothered to wiped them. He needed to let it out, the relief he felt Castiel was alive and alright.

“Dean,” was everything Castiel managed to get out of himself as he didn’t know where to start. To thank him, to apologize, to beg for forgiveness – he didn’t know and he was lost. Until he felt a warm hand on his cheek and he looked up to the brightly green eyes sparkled by tears.

“I’m happy you’re alright, Cas.” Dean said caressing his thumb against Castiel’s cheek.

“Me too,” Castiel said weakly. “I... I wouldn’t bear the thought not to see you again, Dean,” he burst out immediately gaining red in his cheeks as he realised how cheesy he sounded.

“Well good for you since you’ll be seeing me for a long time now, buddy,” Dean laughed a bit resting his hand over Castiel’s slight stubble. Castiel looked at him quizzically, tilting his head to the side a bit.

Dean chuckled a bit on the expression and said: “You’re going to live with me and Sammy for starters – at least until you’ll get better. And I’m not taking no as an answer.”

“Dean,” Castiel’s eyes started to fill with tears too. “I... I don’t want to be a burden for you.”

“You will never be a burden, Cas.” Dean smiled genuinely. “You are my friend.”

“I’m not,” Castiel said almost inaudibly.

“What are you talking about?” Dean’s eyebrows furrowed.

“Friends don’t do such horrible things to each other. They don’t attempt for a suicide and let their friends to live without them.”

“Cas, is this what you did? You wanted to die? Why?” Dean’s heart clenched.

“I don’t know. I just,” Castiel swallowed a tight lump which created in his throat. “I just wanted all of it, to be gone. I wanted not to feel that cruel pain anymore. I’ve just had enough. I’m sorry Dean. I really am. But I couldn’t carry on much longer. I’ve tried. Hell I’ve tried, even when you were gone. Even when you went to Boston. I’ve tried to live my old normal live again. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t since you’ve come to my life. You’ve changed everything. You’ve made me feel loved, made me feel special, you cared. And then, then you were just gone. And Crowley, he was even worse than before.”

“Cas,” Dean tightened his grip on Castiel’s hand.

“No Dean, let me finish this. I need you to know. To know everything.” Castiel said not minding the tears that were running down his cheeks unstoppably. “He saw I liked you. He saw... he saw I loved you. And I thought maybe he will change when you will be gone. I, I couldn’t go with you cause I was too afraid. Too afraid he would find us and it would end bloody. Unfortunately, it did anyways.”

He paused for a while, taking a deep breath and trying to comfort himself a bit. “When you left he was even worse. He knew I missed you, he knew you were the only thing I was thinking about and he was jealous and he... he vent it on me... only on places where it wasn’t visible. So Sam wouldn’t suspect anything and he wouldn’t tell you and you... you would probably come back.”

“You should call me, Cas. We would work it out,” Dean said suddenly.

“Really, how?” Castiel asked through tears. “Would you come back? Left your work and come back? And then what? We would run away in the sunset and be happy like in fairytales until the end of times? This is reality, Dean. He would hunted us down.” Castiel’s voice got raspier with every word he said but he didn’t stop. He needed to let it out of his system the same way Dean needed to let out his tears of relief. “I did it for you, Dean. To keep him away from you. To protect you.”

“Cas,” Dean wasn’t able to say anything else. The feeling of incredible guilt came back as he realised how the whole situation was messy, because of him.

“And then Crowley decided he had enough. I don’t know why exactly, maybe it was the apartment, maybe it reminded him of you too much, but he decided we would move out. So we did. That was few months since your departure. It was all good for a while. He seemed to be his old self. I mean, he wasn’t beating me so much. From time to time he also took me for a date; he was kind of romantic actually. I was working on my third book back then.” Castiel paused as he was thinking if to continue or not.

Dean smiled a bit and said reassuringly. “I liked that book. Except that ending... I didn’t like Dean going to hell eventually.”

Dean saw Castiel smiled sadly as he stated almost inaudibly: “I guess we all had our personal hell.” And Dean felt that stab of guilt again.

“I remember it like it happened yesterday.” Castiel continued then. “Exactly a year after you’ve been gone. Crowley went to some business meeting at evening. I was preparing a dinner and he got home, he was obviously quite wasted and he was blabbering something about how he remembered from where he knows you’re name. Like some of his business partners recalled it to him. He said something about that big case which caused him his last company. He was blabbering something about your dad and uncle and how if it wasn’t them, we wouldn’t need to move to Montana and... he was just... he was just really angry. And he came at me and I... I don’t know how it happened but... I was holding this knife. And somehow, somehow Crowley was suddenly on the floor bleeding out. And I didn’t know what to do. I called the ambulance immediately, but when they came, it was too late. He was dead.” Castiel paused again and Dean didn’t even try to lighten the mood again, because he didn’t know how. He just squeezed his friend’s hand again and met with the broken Castiel’s gaze.

“I wasn’t charged with anything,” Castiel said through tears which escaped his eyes again.

“It was called the self-defence. But I still thought it was my fault. I mean, if I didn’t put charges back then in the first place, we wouldn’t move to Montana and Crowley would live.”

“And you would be still his little whore, Cas,” Dean snapped angrily before he could even realise he was speaking. Castiel shoot him a pained look and lowered his eyes then.

“I’m sorry, Cas. I mean. He wasn’t right for you. He hurt you. He deserved it.”

“Nobody deserves to die by the hand of someone else. Only by the hand of God.” Castiel said quietly.

“Then why did you decided to take your life, Cas?” Dean asked involuntarily accusingly.

“Because I couldn’t handle it. The pain I felt when he died. And when you were gone. At first I managed to shake it off with drugs. But then... I needed more, I didn’t have money. And I thought I have lost you forever. I have lost my hope, my faith. And I’ve started to do what I needed to to... to get another dose. And it helped. It wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t fairytale, but it helped; to ease my pain. And then you came back.”

“You remembered right? From the first time you saw me?” Dean asked.

“I have never forgotten. I wanted to, but I couldn’t. I loved you too much. And I was torn in two. One part of me wanted to turn back and walk away and never see you again, but the other, it wanted to curl up into your arms and stay there forever. Because I knew it was the safest place in the world.”

Castiel took a deep breath again as he continued. “So I did what I knew best. I tried to do my job. But you weren’t helping too much.”

“I didn’t want you to do anything you would regret, Cas,” Dean admitted.

“Well, too late.” Castiel replied averting his eyes from Dean.

“No, Cas.” Dean exclaimed cupping Castiel’s cheek and forcing him to look at him. “I may have had doubts about my actions and about my feelings, but not anymore. I have not had it long time already. I didn’t... I didn’t sleep with you only to keep you away from heroin. I... I said I was making love to you and I meant it. Because... because I love you, Cas. I’ve always had. I’ve been just too dumb to realise it. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry I haven’t said it sooner. I’m sorry I have ever left. I’m... can you forgive me, Cas?” Dean bowed his head down letting the new trail of tears spreading across his face. Not long after he felt a hand slipping out of his and he sighed a bit in discomfort from this action, but soon after that he felt that hand be placed on his cheek forcing his head up. Dean looked up and saw Castiel’s eyes also filled with tears and yet something else; filled with love.

“I forgive you, Dean.” Castiel said softly and Dean couldn’t help but smiled brightly through his tears.

“And please, forgive me for acting like a fool,” Castiel apologized too.

“There is nothing to forgive, Cas,” Dean smiled again.

“There is,” Castiel demanded. “I don’t know why I did what I did. I’ve just known I didn’t want to live without you anymore. Not after that week. Not after I knew how happy I was with you even though my condition. I couldn’t handle it to be without you. And still I hoped in the corner of my heart I would find you in the apartment and you will forgive me. But you weren’t there. And I don’t know why but I thought you would never come back. And that was just too much for me to bear. I...” Castiel’s voice broke into unceasing sobbing.  
“It’s ok now, Cas. It’s fine. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere, not anymore. I will always be here for you. I love you, Cas.” Dean whispered as he leant forward and wiped away the tears from Castiel’s face with his thumb.

Castiel closed his eyes and leant into the touch of his friend. A memory fleshed over Dean’s mind and he smiled weakly as he leant even closer to his friend and slowly, gently wiped away every single drop of tear from Castiel’s face with his lips. When he wiped the last one he stayed still, his lips ghosting over Castiel’s.

“I love you,” he whispered as he placed a soft kiss on his friend’s lips.

“I love you too,” Castiel replied when they broke apart, resting their foreheads against each others.

“You should get some sleep, Cas,” Dean said smiling. “It will be morning for a while.”

“It’s not even midnight yet,” Castiel replied, his voice relaxed and content.

“How is it possible?” Dean furrowed his eyebrows and leant back to look at his watches to confirm the time.

“You have slept through whole day, Dean,” Castiel smiled gently. “Nurses thought we were so cute they didn’t want to interrupt us.”

Dean bit his lower lip a bit and thanked for the dim light in the room so his reddening wasn’t that visible.

“Will you stay with me?” Castiel asked suddenly with hearable urgency. “I don’t want to sleep alone.”

Dean smiled softly and leant forward to place a soft kiss on Castiel’s forehead. “Always.”

Dean gestured Castiel to move a bit and took of his shoes and jacket. Then he climbed over the bed next to Castiel and held him close to his chest, nose burying into the crook of Castiel’s neck. “Just like before,” Dean murmured into Castiel’s neck.

Castiel sighted contently and closed his eyes, listening to the slow breathing of his lover. And if anybody would ask him now, he wouldn’t falter a second to respond. He was happy.

 


	15. Chapter 15

        Dean stretched his muscles as the morning light warmed his face. He reached over the other side of the bed only to realise it was cold and empty. He sighed and looked over the clock. It was eight o’clock in the morning. He played with a thought of staying in bed a bit longer, it was Sunday after all, but he knew it wouldn’t be the same as if the warm body of one special person was lying next to him. He smiled a bit as he remembered his friend.

He missed it. He missed waking up to the radiating heat of another body, to the careful scrutinizing stare of two big blue eyes, the tickling touch of stubble when his friend leaned forward and kissed him good morning and a warm sensation in his stomach every time their lips touched. Dean missed Castiel.

Dean yawned and rubbed his eyes to get rid of the last signs of sleep and got up. He went to bathroom, splashing some cold water over his face to wake himself up and looked into the mirror. He was tired and he looked like he didn’t see the razor for about a month, but the stars in his eyes danced and sparkled. Because he was happy. After a very long time, he was finally happy, because he had what he always wanted.

        He put some dressing gown on and aimed his way towards the kitchen. As he walked closer he saw a slender figure with dishevelled dark hair sitting on the chair at the small round table, sipping at his coffee and hypnotizing computer screen of laptop in front of him.

“Morning, Cas,” Dean purred into Castiel’s ear as he leaned towards his lover and placed a soft kiss on his cheek.

Castiel smiled and closed his eyes, leaning in the kiss. “Good morning, Dean.”  
Dean knelt next to his friend, putting one hand protectively across his waist as he looked over the computer screen.

“How long have you sleep, Cas?” Dean asked him anxiously.

“I don’t know,” Castiel almost whispered as he lowered his head. “Maybe an hour or two.”

“Cas,” Dean furrowed his eyebrows as he placed a hand on the other man’s cheek. As Castiel looked Dean in the eyes Dean could clearly see the exhaustion in them.

“You need to sleep more. It’s been three months since they let you out of hospital and you still can’t sleep more than three hours per night,” Dean pleaded.

“I know, I just, I can’t.” Castiel said sadly.

“Sammy can give you some sedatives if...,”

“No, Dean,” Castiel snapped him immediately. “I mean,” he sighed, “I don’t want any more drugs.” he said as he lowered his head once again.

“But it’s not a drug, Cas. It’s medicine. It will help you sleep.” Dean demanded.

“No,” Castiel insisted. “I don’t need it, I don’t want it. I,” he faltered a bit and then looked Dean right in the eyes, “you’re the only drug I need, Dean,” he said getting a bit red.

Dean smiled and placed a soft kiss on Castiel’s lips. “I love you, Cas.”

“I love you too, Dean.” Castiel smiled back as he opened his eyes again.

“We should go working out, to get some endorphins to your system. Sammy said it helps during the withdrawal, remember?” Dean smiled as he placed a head against his lover’s chest, hugging him tightly.

“I know,” Castiel sighed. “But I need to finish this. Editor said the first chapter must be finished by the end of next week. And I’m stuck in the end of this part.”

“What is it you have problems with?” Dean asked raising his head to look on the computer screen.

“I... I can’t come up with the name of an angel who raised Dean from hell,” Castiel answered blushing a bit again.

“That’s it?” Dean raised his eyebrows.

“Well, yes,” Castiel smiled sheepishly.

“Oh, that’s simple,” Dean chuckled a bit. “There’s only one name fitting for such a kick-ass angel.”

Castiel looked at Dean quizzically noticing a slight smirk across Dean’s face.

“Of course, he must be named Castiel,” Dean’s smirk changed to a genuine smile and sparks in his eyes and Castiel blushed again on this sight.

“No, that’s... I can’t do that. I mean. It’s not like I’d saved you. It was quite contrary.”

“I don’t think so, Cas,” Dean said as he cupped Castiel’s cheek again. “You have saved me. You have saved me from the boring lonely life I’ve led in Boston which would probably end on the bottom of the glass. Maybe it wasn’t painful for me physically, but mentally, it was my personal hell. Constantly worrying about you and wishing I would change anything, I would stay with you, I would... I would say I love you sooner, much sooner.” Dean swallowed hardly as he leaned closer to Castiel and let his hand trailed from his cheek to the back of his neck. “You have gripped me tight and raised me from perdition, Cas.”

After that Dean closed the space between him and his lover in slow and sensual kiss. When they broke apart Castiel looked at Dean and smiled lovingly.

“That’s great quote, may I use it in the book?”

“Hm, only if you give me some credits for it,” Dean laughed as he leaned in again and placed another soft kiss on the other man’s lips.

“What you say if we go to work out now?” Dean murmured as he continued to trail soft wet kisses down Castiel’s jaw.

“I... I need to finish this,” Castiel tried to reach the computer keyboard unsuccessfully.

“You can finish it later,” Dean said as he moved to Castiel’s neck making the other man moan a bit as he placed one hand under Castiel’s shirt.

“But, I need to write this down, Dean. I will not remember it, oh,” Castiel moaned again as Dean’s hand went to his hardening crotch.

“I will remind it for you. Now, to bed,” Dean commanded as he leant away from Castiel and took him by the hand pulling him up from the chair.

“I thought you said we’re going to work out,” Castiel said.

Dean turned to face him, plastering himself against Castiel’s body so their hard erections touched and it made both man moaned in pleasure.

“Oh we are,” Dean said against Castiel’s lips as he cupped his ass tightly and leant for another wet passionate kiss.

“The best work out ever,” Dean smirked and took Castiel’s hand again, leading him towards the bedroom.

Yes, he would definitely spend some more time in the bed today. It is Sunday, after all. But he would definitely not be alone. And he would be happy.


End file.
